Hey everyone!!!
Manipulation. I don't mean playing the violin or driving a car with masterful intent. No, I mean using someone or a group of people for profit.
We have all been manipulated and taught that we were being socialized. Not true. We were being manipulated. Period. The people who thought they were socializing us were manipulated in to thinking that.
Lets take one example that relates to addictions and why remission from addictions can be so difficult. My example? Sales. Over and over on any typical day we are bombarded with messages that manipulate us into WANTING TO FILL A HOLE.
To have the right car.
To have the right phone.
The right friends.
The right enemies.
Clothing.
Art.
Attitude.
To be right.
Have others be wrong.
Be perfect.
Have the perfect bodies.
The right religion.
White teeth.
To be accepted, loved, cared for, appreciated, and always do what's right.
That's just for starts, you can add your own wants if you care too. Remember the hole in a previous blog? Well hundreds of times a day we are manuvered and manipulated in to thinking that there is a way to fill that whole. It all seems to involve handing our money or authority over to someone who has the answer.
So it seems that, from birth, we are being manipulated in to addictions. On top of addictions. On top of addictions.
It's all connected.
So what am I going to do? I have made the decision, due to my Zen and Sufi studies, that I am going to start becoming more aware of how I try to manipulate, in the negative way, people, places, and things.
I am going to make this part of my awareness practice from now on. And. I think my life just got a whole lot simpler. I think and feel that this is going to free up a lot of energy and time.
If you have any thoughts or suggestions concerning how we can give up manipulating please contact me. I would welcome any input.
With Love, Bryan
Friday, March 15, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
Perfection
Hi.
I always wanted to be perfect. I struggled to try to get the best grades. I struggled to produce the best projects in school. I wanted to be "popular" and well thought of by others. I was polite and attentive. I tried sports until I realized that I wasn't going to excel in team endeavors and switched to marital arts. I always wanted to be the "best" drummer and singer. When I went to college I just "had" to have a 4.0 average or die. I wanted to be thin and "good looking." I wanted to be the best employee and do the best job. If I partied I wanted to be the most outrageous and outside the box individual at the party.
This party animal persona led to:
1. Me being known not as perfect but crazy and dangerous.
2. A few stays in rehab and the occasional psychiatric ward.
3. An enlightenment concerning perfection.
Let's look at number three. My so called "wanting to be perfect" was little more than a shallow cover up for trying to manipulate other peoples, judgments, opinions, and beliefs about me. That's it. It doesn't get any deeper than that. For a long time I really tried to convince myself that I was very "special" because I wanted to do everything perfectly. What a load of crap that was. What I really wanted was for other people to notice me and judge me as perfect.
My search for perfection example. I was very overweight at one point in my life. I was also very depressed because I felt I had to be thin. I was in the entertainment industry and wanted to look like Rod Stewart. So I went on a drug and alcohol diet until I reached my goal. I also became bulimic just in case the drugs and alcohol didn't do it. I became dangerously thin and was finally hospitalized. Although I was arguing with my family because I thought I looked really good.
Perfect Right?
(Wanting to achieve perfection can make you very vulnerable to people who detect that and use it to supposedly give you what you want, taking you for all they can in the meantime. It's called sales.)
Here is the problem in seeking perfection.
You already are.
It's like looking for the coin in your hand. You already have it. Polish or spin it anyway you want.
You can't obtain something that you already have. If your looking you are out searching for your own heart.
You are perfect.
Here is why. Let's say you were out walking in the desert. While you were walking you noticed what looked like a jewel on your path. You have never seen anything like it before. You pick it up and take it to the local university to have it examined. You find out that it is a rare mineral that has never been seen before. You are told that it's a one of a kind jewel. It is priceless. Singular in the known universe.
That is who you are. Perfect, the only one of you who will ever be. A one time event in the universe.
I think that is a good enough reason to stop trying to be perfect. You already are!!! And. Don't worry about adding talents and intelligence, and more unique features, and exploring new activities and being as healthy as you can. You will do that anyway. It's in your heart already. That "drive" to be perfect wasn't doing anything despite what society tells you.
So let it go. Breathe. Focus. Find your purpose and go for it. Let some joy in. After all, your perfect.
Next: Manipulation
Love, Bryan
I always wanted to be perfect. I struggled to try to get the best grades. I struggled to produce the best projects in school. I wanted to be "popular" and well thought of by others. I was polite and attentive. I tried sports until I realized that I wasn't going to excel in team endeavors and switched to marital arts. I always wanted to be the "best" drummer and singer. When I went to college I just "had" to have a 4.0 average or die. I wanted to be thin and "good looking." I wanted to be the best employee and do the best job. If I partied I wanted to be the most outrageous and outside the box individual at the party.
This party animal persona led to:
1. Me being known not as perfect but crazy and dangerous.
2. A few stays in rehab and the occasional psychiatric ward.
3. An enlightenment concerning perfection.
Let's look at number three. My so called "wanting to be perfect" was little more than a shallow cover up for trying to manipulate other peoples, judgments, opinions, and beliefs about me. That's it. It doesn't get any deeper than that. For a long time I really tried to convince myself that I was very "special" because I wanted to do everything perfectly. What a load of crap that was. What I really wanted was for other people to notice me and judge me as perfect.
My search for perfection example. I was very overweight at one point in my life. I was also very depressed because I felt I had to be thin. I was in the entertainment industry and wanted to look like Rod Stewart. So I went on a drug and alcohol diet until I reached my goal. I also became bulimic just in case the drugs and alcohol didn't do it. I became dangerously thin and was finally hospitalized. Although I was arguing with my family because I thought I looked really good.
Perfect Right?
(Wanting to achieve perfection can make you very vulnerable to people who detect that and use it to supposedly give you what you want, taking you for all they can in the meantime. It's called sales.)
Here is the problem in seeking perfection.
You already are.
It's like looking for the coin in your hand. You already have it. Polish or spin it anyway you want.
You can't obtain something that you already have. If your looking you are out searching for your own heart.
You are perfect.
Here is why. Let's say you were out walking in the desert. While you were walking you noticed what looked like a jewel on your path. You have never seen anything like it before. You pick it up and take it to the local university to have it examined. You find out that it is a rare mineral that has never been seen before. You are told that it's a one of a kind jewel. It is priceless. Singular in the known universe.
That is who you are. Perfect, the only one of you who will ever be. A one time event in the universe.
I think that is a good enough reason to stop trying to be perfect. You already are!!! And. Don't worry about adding talents and intelligence, and more unique features, and exploring new activities and being as healthy as you can. You will do that anyway. It's in your heart already. That "drive" to be perfect wasn't doing anything despite what society tells you.
So let it go. Breathe. Focus. Find your purpose and go for it. Let some joy in. After all, your perfect.
Next: Manipulation
Love, Bryan
Saturday, March 9, 2013
The whole hole.
Hi everyone and welcome!
The whole hole.
It's there, inside of each and everyone of us.
It's ancient, with us since we have been here.
Humans are "doughnut shaped" we are born with a hole in the middle.
An emptiness that quietly haunts us or claws at us begging to be filled.
The hole asks questions late at night and early in the morning.
Sometimes simple questions. "Why does he hate me?"
Sometimes vast questions. "What am I here for?"
It speaks to us in a voice that calls us "you."
Who in my head would call me "you?" The hole.
We perceive we are in pain, it hurts whenever loss, or the winds of time, or unfulfilled needs, or old age sweep through the hole.
Chilling.
Perhaps the need to fill the hole drives our addictions, and hatred, and wars.
Humans are problem solvers. Fixers. We want the hole to be filled. Make it go away.
I have the answer. Here is what we need to do.
Nothing.
We need the hole.
The only problem with the hole is we think we aren't supposed to have a hole.
You see. No one bothered to tell us that it's a natural part of us. Everyone was too busy trying to make it go away. The hole is as natural as the wind, sky, moon, stars, and sun. The hole, the feelings it generates, drives us to create.
We create art, and vast architecture, and space flight, roller coasters, ice cream, chocolate, music and movies, jokes, humor, have sex, cry, sing the blues, and sit in the middle of serene deserts, contemplate and meditate, sing, mime and sign, wonder, think, and blink, and howl at the moon, we persevere, and do the impossible.
See, what would we be?
Who and what would we be, without our hole.
Maybe, the next time that wave of sad that comes and goes appears. Smile at it. Smile with it. Know that it is a part of you that makes you, YOU. Embrace the hole. Stop struggling and fighting against it. You are fighting you! You will only be at peace by accepting the hole and riding the wave. It will create it's own energy and propel you to the places you need to be.
You are it. I love you for that.
Love, Bryan
Next: Perfection
The whole hole.
It's there, inside of each and everyone of us.
It's ancient, with us since we have been here.
Humans are "doughnut shaped" we are born with a hole in the middle.
An emptiness that quietly haunts us or claws at us begging to be filled.
The hole asks questions late at night and early in the morning.
Sometimes simple questions. "Why does he hate me?"
Sometimes vast questions. "What am I here for?"
It speaks to us in a voice that calls us "you."
Who in my head would call me "you?" The hole.
We perceive we are in pain, it hurts whenever loss, or the winds of time, or unfulfilled needs, or old age sweep through the hole.
Chilling.
Perhaps the need to fill the hole drives our addictions, and hatred, and wars.
Humans are problem solvers. Fixers. We want the hole to be filled. Make it go away.
I have the answer. Here is what we need to do.
Nothing.
We need the hole.
The only problem with the hole is we think we aren't supposed to have a hole.
You see. No one bothered to tell us that it's a natural part of us. Everyone was too busy trying to make it go away. The hole is as natural as the wind, sky, moon, stars, and sun. The hole, the feelings it generates, drives us to create.
We create art, and vast architecture, and space flight, roller coasters, ice cream, chocolate, music and movies, jokes, humor, have sex, cry, sing the blues, and sit in the middle of serene deserts, contemplate and meditate, sing, mime and sign, wonder, think, and blink, and howl at the moon, we persevere, and do the impossible.
See, what would we be?
Who and what would we be, without our hole.
Maybe, the next time that wave of sad that comes and goes appears. Smile at it. Smile with it. Know that it is a part of you that makes you, YOU. Embrace the hole. Stop struggling and fighting against it. You are fighting you! You will only be at peace by accepting the hole and riding the wave. It will create it's own energy and propel you to the places you need to be.
You are it. I love you for that.
Love, Bryan
Next: Perfection
Friday, March 8, 2013
Welcome:
Do you ever wonder why an addiction can be so "buried" in your life that it seems impossible for you to stop the addictive behaviors?
Do you find it challenging to continue to remain in remission once you do stop the addiction?
I am bulimic. I am currently in remission and am working hard to stay that way. I have been challenged by several addictions in my life and would like to share some of the insights I have learned on the journey.
Addictions do not act in isolation there will always be support behaviors attached: Addictions come with lots of co-behaviors, emotional reactions, and intellectual baggage. Being bulimic means that I binge, that means eating enormous amounts of food, and then purge via vomiting or using laxatives and diuretics. When I first started to address the bulimia I thought that I could, A, stop the binging and purging and B, that would solve the problem.
Well that didn't work.
My bulimia was embedded in almost every aspect of my life.
Example: Watching television. This was a perfect example of a "support behavior" I had become so used to eating mindlessly in front of a movie that in order to stop the bulimia I made the choice to stop watching movies for a while. ( I love movies, it was a painful choice!)
Some other support behaviors that we need to avoid for a while or quit entirely.
Reading.
Eating out.
Eating with others.
Avoiding eating for any extended period of time.
Having anyone else buy food.
Using caffeine.
Alcohol.
Cannabis.
I am sure that you are aware of your own "supporting behaviors." I would encourage you to make these behaviors real to you. I have seen people write a list, compose a song, and paint or draw all of their support behaviors. Once you make them real they will be easier to let go of.
People ask for how long? I simply don't know. I suspect as long as it takes for the behavior to diminish in association with the bulimia. In my case it's going to be a while before I can eat in front of a television or read and eat. Perhaps never.
Addictions are dimensional: My bulimia has two distinct part to it. One, the binge. The binge is can be triggered by anxiety, depression, loss of my center that is triggered by what other people say, visuals of food, and feeling that black hole in the middle of me. If you are bulimic then I am sure you have your own binge triggers. Two, the purge. I came to enjoy the purge. That's right. I came to like vomiting. The act itself. Even in a public restroom there was a feeling of some how getting away with something and a feeling of accomplishment. And. The bliss of numbness that would come over me as my insulin levels bottomed out and I would "float.' Now notice that if we can work through the first part of this we do not have to experience the second part. We cannot stop or avoid emotions. They are just going to happen. The emotion is triggered or just occurs, the emotion gains the center of our focus, and we react. The emotion may drift as our center of attention changes in a new direction or if we choose to focus our attention on the emotion it will continue to reoccur in our field of thought. So where is our greatest strength? REACTION!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what anyone tells you to the contrary, you control your reaction. We do not have to react at all. To anything. Or we can choose what our next behavior will be. This will take time and practice. I encourage you to start seeing how you respond to daily events and start to practice delaying the reaction. Key: Practice not getting mad when stuck in traffic or a grocery line. I learned a lot about me by practicing this when stuck.
Example: I used to have emotionally upsetting events occur at work, I would, instead of letting the emotion play out, choose to focus on the event and Pre-Plan my binge and purge. I would pretend that I had not control over my behavior even hours after the event!! Remember, Emotions are not things, they have a short life unless we insist on making them a focus.
Addictions have stages: We do not become addicted overnight, we usually slowly work our way into a position where we finally realize and recognize the problem. We will do the same thing on our way to remission. We will, slowly, and with much effort, work our way into a remission status.
I did not jump into binging and purging ten to fifteen times a day overnight. It came in stages, from once every couple of days to every day to several times a day to sometimes twice an hour.
We need to remember this. "In our remission we will back out the same way we walked in, step by step." Every single second we are free from bulimic behaviors will be another link in the chain of the food slavery broken.
Addictions work: And that can be a big issue. If we are using the addiction as a solution then simply removing the addiction will not work. Example: I use bulimia as a way to reduce anxiety. As I phased the bulimic behavior out I slowly replaced it with three areas that all reduced anxiety.
One. I increased my meditation time. I have been a practitioner of Zen for decades. Meditation is a tool that works for me. Two. After my meditation I started spending fifteen minutes a day reading material that supported my recovery. Even if it was contemplating a single phrase that was positive. There are some great apps for phones and some great books that have given me a better perspective on my place in the universe. If you contact me I would love to share them with you. Three. I started getting back in to nature. I love hiking and walking and now spend part of every weekend outdoors. It works. I am a lot less anxious now.
I have related all of the above to bulimia but much of it can be applied to any addiction.
Feel free to contact me with questions or comments at my email address above.
Remember: "You are the only one of you in the entire universe. By default that makes you priceless. A one time occurring event. Take care of you."
Next blog will be about that hole in the middle. And what to not do about it.
Love, Bryan
Do you ever wonder why an addiction can be so "buried" in your life that it seems impossible for you to stop the addictive behaviors?
Do you find it challenging to continue to remain in remission once you do stop the addiction?
I am bulimic. I am currently in remission and am working hard to stay that way. I have been challenged by several addictions in my life and would like to share some of the insights I have learned on the journey.
Addictions do not act in isolation there will always be support behaviors attached: Addictions come with lots of co-behaviors, emotional reactions, and intellectual baggage. Being bulimic means that I binge, that means eating enormous amounts of food, and then purge via vomiting or using laxatives and diuretics. When I first started to address the bulimia I thought that I could, A, stop the binging and purging and B, that would solve the problem.
Well that didn't work.
My bulimia was embedded in almost every aspect of my life.
Example: Watching television. This was a perfect example of a "support behavior" I had become so used to eating mindlessly in front of a movie that in order to stop the bulimia I made the choice to stop watching movies for a while. ( I love movies, it was a painful choice!)
Some other support behaviors that we need to avoid for a while or quit entirely.
Reading.
Eating out.
Eating with others.
Avoiding eating for any extended period of time.
Having anyone else buy food.
Using caffeine.
Alcohol.
Cannabis.
I am sure that you are aware of your own "supporting behaviors." I would encourage you to make these behaviors real to you. I have seen people write a list, compose a song, and paint or draw all of their support behaviors. Once you make them real they will be easier to let go of.
People ask for how long? I simply don't know. I suspect as long as it takes for the behavior to diminish in association with the bulimia. In my case it's going to be a while before I can eat in front of a television or read and eat. Perhaps never.
Addictions are dimensional: My bulimia has two distinct part to it. One, the binge. The binge is can be triggered by anxiety, depression, loss of my center that is triggered by what other people say, visuals of food, and feeling that black hole in the middle of me. If you are bulimic then I am sure you have your own binge triggers. Two, the purge. I came to enjoy the purge. That's right. I came to like vomiting. The act itself. Even in a public restroom there was a feeling of some how getting away with something and a feeling of accomplishment. And. The bliss of numbness that would come over me as my insulin levels bottomed out and I would "float.' Now notice that if we can work through the first part of this we do not have to experience the second part. We cannot stop or avoid emotions. They are just going to happen. The emotion is triggered or just occurs, the emotion gains the center of our focus, and we react. The emotion may drift as our center of attention changes in a new direction or if we choose to focus our attention on the emotion it will continue to reoccur in our field of thought. So where is our greatest strength? REACTION!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what anyone tells you to the contrary, you control your reaction. We do not have to react at all. To anything. Or we can choose what our next behavior will be. This will take time and practice. I encourage you to start seeing how you respond to daily events and start to practice delaying the reaction. Key: Practice not getting mad when stuck in traffic or a grocery line. I learned a lot about me by practicing this when stuck.
Example: I used to have emotionally upsetting events occur at work, I would, instead of letting the emotion play out, choose to focus on the event and Pre-Plan my binge and purge. I would pretend that I had not control over my behavior even hours after the event!! Remember, Emotions are not things, they have a short life unless we insist on making them a focus.
Addictions have stages: We do not become addicted overnight, we usually slowly work our way into a position where we finally realize and recognize the problem. We will do the same thing on our way to remission. We will, slowly, and with much effort, work our way into a remission status.
I did not jump into binging and purging ten to fifteen times a day overnight. It came in stages, from once every couple of days to every day to several times a day to sometimes twice an hour.
We need to remember this. "In our remission we will back out the same way we walked in, step by step." Every single second we are free from bulimic behaviors will be another link in the chain of the food slavery broken.
Addictions work: And that can be a big issue. If we are using the addiction as a solution then simply removing the addiction will not work. Example: I use bulimia as a way to reduce anxiety. As I phased the bulimic behavior out I slowly replaced it with three areas that all reduced anxiety.
One. I increased my meditation time. I have been a practitioner of Zen for decades. Meditation is a tool that works for me. Two. After my meditation I started spending fifteen minutes a day reading material that supported my recovery. Even if it was contemplating a single phrase that was positive. There are some great apps for phones and some great books that have given me a better perspective on my place in the universe. If you contact me I would love to share them with you. Three. I started getting back in to nature. I love hiking and walking and now spend part of every weekend outdoors. It works. I am a lot less anxious now.
I have related all of the above to bulimia but much of it can be applied to any addiction.
Feel free to contact me with questions or comments at my email address above.
Remember: "You are the only one of you in the entire universe. By default that makes you priceless. A one time occurring event. Take care of you."
Next blog will be about that hole in the middle. And what to not do about it.
Love, Bryan
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