Friday, April 12, 2013

Aliens and remission.


I don't much get it here.

Really I don't.

Here is where I live.

I am a cutter who doesn't cut.

I am an alcoholic who doesn't drink.

A junkie who doesn't use.

I am addicted to food.


That part, like being addicted to air or water.

Addicted to people. (I won't admit that to anyone, please don't tell anyone I said that. )

People I know say one thing and do another.


Tell me the "Truth."

Depending on their chemical balances at the time of intercourse. ( See, its not always about sex.)

I am an alien.

I don't want to live here,

But, I don't want to die.


The only, one and only way out, is through it. 


The rest of you are here with me. 

See, I am OK. I have you.


Family at the outer edge of what I suspect really "Is." 

Talk to me,

Love, Bryan

Monday, April 8, 2013

Remisson, Recovery, and Koans


Koan and Koans. Mysterious challenges to the intellect that force us to be here and now. Usually the term is associated with Zen.

Koans are really a call to action. Do something. They encourage us to think our way into doing something. What's really crazy is that we can take years or decades thinking about something that points to not thinking. Just do.

Addicts? We think to much. Argue with that and you are already thinking too much.

About anything and everything.

I think that in the long run and without thinking about it to much.

That you and I are Koans.

Not some mystical crap with secret answers.


Living Koans. We keep searching until we realize that we ourselves are the answer. We just love to think that we can think ourselves in to a remission status. And. When we are not busy with that, we are thinking about thinking ourselves in to a remission status. Or. We are thinking about not thinking. Yuck.

It seems odd to me that my belief system was that I could, think, concept, or idea, myself out of what is basically a doing. Bulimia is not thinking, it involves lots of action. ( I initially had the same idea about opiate and alcohol addiction.) 

Now that might work if being Bulimic was a concept to begin with and I had some sort of philosophic basis for being a Bulimic. But Bulimia is not a philosophy, it's a response, an active doing response to my world.

Thinking is highly over rated. 

See, we have to do remission. 


We can work on the Koan of remission. Think about remission, devise intellectual ways to be in remission, talk about remission, compare stories about it, but until we are actually doing something about it there will be no forward movement.

Koan: There is a man with a plate of food. He will die if he eats the food. He will die if he doesn't eat the food. What does he do?

Koan: There is a woman who is really depressed. She will die if she stays depressed. She will die if she isn't depressed. What does she do?

Koan: You have a thought. If you keep the thought you will never have another thought. If you let the thought go you will never have another thought. What? 

Koan: You have one second to live. Now what? 

Love, Bryan