Heroin was a big problem and I know it could still be a big problem if I returned to using it. So far so good though, my remission continues.
I always knew that although I was obsessed with the drug and it's rituals that it wasn't really heroin I craved, it was the Sweet Spot that the heroin produced. At least at first. Then it just became a chase.
And it seemed to fill that fucking hole inside my heart where all the fear, anxiety, self hatred, loneliness, anger, and hatred seemed to live.
The hole in my heart is what kept driving me back into relapse and using.
Until I discovered Zen and meditation. It was the exact opposite of what heroin was. It was introspective and worldly, compassionate and real, and most of all accepting. And I am sure there are many paths to the opposite, not just Zen and meditation. Possibilities are endless.
See the hole doesn't leave at least not for me.
And
The only thing I needed to do was accept the hole. I needed to realize that I wasn't some kind of a freak and we all have that feeling inside sometimes.
Empty like the desert, and ocean, or sky, and mountain views and lonely in the middle of a crowd.
Sitting really helped me see that. Meditation community let me know that. Compassion helped me understand that.
I believe that quitting heroin really opened up that hole in me, since I had not been present to it for such a long time.
If you are struggling with an addiction remember that we can't just remove something from our lives, we need to replace it with something else.
It just works that way.
So now sometimes I just sit and cry. And it feels good. And the hole in my heart reminds me that I am human and sane.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
