Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Bulimia, addiction, and relationship


Its been few since I have blogged.

I have been on retreat. Although I do not consider myself a Zen Buddhist anymore I still benefit from meditation and awareness practice. So I continue to attend retreats and meditate at home.

When on retreat I usually end up eating vegetarian foods for several days. It's funny when you take a vow of silence, and there are no TVs, video's, books, phones, I pods, or magazines to distract you, food takes on a whole new meaning.

Three meals a day. Eaten in total silence. No eye contact or verbal contact.


It is just you and whatever food you have in front of you.

It become more about your relationship with food than anything else.

And, at this retreat, I really became aware of this issue. I was alcoholic and opiate addicted in my life. Yes it was very difficult to break that hold on me, I had to make a decision to COMPLETELY discontinue the use of these substances. It took years.


With food and my bulimia, I had to do this one thing that was different.


I am not good at relationships with anything except animals.

So, here I am. Sitting looking at the rice and vegetables.

And all of a sudden realizing how beautiful they are. Just the color and smell. Like sitting across from your lover who you haven't really "seen" for months and realizing how beautiful they are to you.

Rice feels a certain way on your tongue. Try it.

I need to fall in love again with food.

When I was a child I loved to eat. I never worried about the idiotic things that culture and society has taught me. 

Like thin is "good" and "positive" and, worst of all, the only way I can be "accepted" by others is to have a
a body that is "perfect."

I just ate, and ran, and played, and wasn't in a place that self hate dictated my next thought.   

So now I really understand that food is spiritual.

And a lot like a spiritual seeker I am going to have to "build" a relationship with it.

I can do this, I am strong and have been through so much, I will do this.

Love, Bryan