In Loving Kindness, Bryan
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
Heroin, Zen, and Remission from Drug Use
Hey,
Heroin was a big problem and I know it could still be a big problem if I returned to using it. So far so good though, my remission continues.
I always knew that although I was obsessed with the drug and it's rituals that it wasn't really heroin I craved, it was the Sweet Spot that the heroin produced. At least at first. Then it just became a chase.
And it seemed to fill that fucking hole inside my heart where all the fear, anxiety, self hatred, loneliness, anger, and hatred seemed to live.
The hole in my heart is what kept driving me back into relapse and using.
Until I discovered Zen and meditation. It was the exact opposite of what heroin was. It was introspective and worldly, compassionate and real, and most of all accepting. And I am sure there are many paths to the opposite, not just Zen and meditation. Possibilities are endless.
See the hole doesn't leave at least not for me.
And
The only thing I needed to do was accept the hole. I needed to realize that I wasn't some kind of a freak and we all have that feeling inside sometimes.
Empty like the desert, and ocean, or sky, and mountain views and lonely in the middle of a crowd.
Sitting really helped me see that. Meditation community let me know that. Compassion helped me understand that.
I believe that quitting heroin really opened up that hole in me, since I had not been present to it for such a long time.
If you are struggling with an addiction remember that we can't just remove something from our lives, we need to replace it with something else.
It just works that way.
So now sometimes I just sit and cry. And it feels good. And the hole in my heart reminds me that I am human and sane.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Heroin was a big problem and I know it could still be a big problem if I returned to using it. So far so good though, my remission continues.
I always knew that although I was obsessed with the drug and it's rituals that it wasn't really heroin I craved, it was the Sweet Spot that the heroin produced. At least at first. Then it just became a chase.
And it seemed to fill that fucking hole inside my heart where all the fear, anxiety, self hatred, loneliness, anger, and hatred seemed to live.
The hole in my heart is what kept driving me back into relapse and using.
Until I discovered Zen and meditation. It was the exact opposite of what heroin was. It was introspective and worldly, compassionate and real, and most of all accepting. And I am sure there are many paths to the opposite, not just Zen and meditation. Possibilities are endless.
See the hole doesn't leave at least not for me.
And
The only thing I needed to do was accept the hole. I needed to realize that I wasn't some kind of a freak and we all have that feeling inside sometimes.
Empty like the desert, and ocean, or sky, and mountain views and lonely in the middle of a crowd.
Sitting really helped me see that. Meditation community let me know that. Compassion helped me understand that.
I believe that quitting heroin really opened up that hole in me, since I had not been present to it for such a long time.
If you are struggling with an addiction remember that we can't just remove something from our lives, we need to replace it with something else.
It just works that way.
So now sometimes I just sit and cry. And it feels good. And the hole in my heart reminds me that I am human and sane.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Friday, February 28, 2014
Meditation, Recovery, Influences
Hi,
I wanted to thank everyone for the support on this page.
I have added some links and some books that I found influential concerning my spirituality and my remission status.
Cheri Huber is an American Zen teacher although I am not sure she would call herself that exactly. Her work "There is Nothing Wrong With You" was of monumental influence on me and how I related to myself, my family, and emotional content. I did a retreat at the Monastery and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is seeking to establish a relationship with themselves.
Anthony DeMello struck a serious chord in my heart. This man was able to simplify concepts so they became extremely assessable and easy to use in everyday life. He was the first one to give me hope that my position in life wasn't due to my drug history or family insanity. "The Way to Love" is a book I still read on a weekly basis.
Byron Katie, all I can say is that if you check out "The Work" and apply yourself life will make more sense and, I think, will explain a lot about how you see the world and what is actually happening. "A Thousand Names for Joy" is one I go back to over and over.
J. Krishnamurti is a most fascinating person. If you have a universal sense of things I highly recommend his writings. I really needed to slow down and pay close attention to his concepts. He does not hold back and states his position with passion and a directness that I admire. I have become more aware of the dynamics of my life since reading him. "Think on These Things" is well worth reading.
I owe a lot to these four individuals. My journey in remission and remaining drug free would not have been if it wasn't for these people putting it out there. My heart and spirit were given validation by the writings, concepts, thoughts, and caring of these individuals.
As always I encourage everyone to contemplate and examine everything they read, watch, or listen too.
There are things that work and things that don't. Remission is about gathering tools and listening to others who have been on the same pathway.
Let's continue to explore together.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
I wanted to thank everyone for the support on this page.
I have added some links and some books that I found influential concerning my spirituality and my remission status.
Cheri Huber is an American Zen teacher although I am not sure she would call herself that exactly. Her work "There is Nothing Wrong With You" was of monumental influence on me and how I related to myself, my family, and emotional content. I did a retreat at the Monastery and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is seeking to establish a relationship with themselves.
Anthony DeMello struck a serious chord in my heart. This man was able to simplify concepts so they became extremely assessable and easy to use in everyday life. He was the first one to give me hope that my position in life wasn't due to my drug history or family insanity. "The Way to Love" is a book I still read on a weekly basis.
Byron Katie, all I can say is that if you check out "The Work" and apply yourself life will make more sense and, I think, will explain a lot about how you see the world and what is actually happening. "A Thousand Names for Joy" is one I go back to over and over.
J. Krishnamurti is a most fascinating person. If you have a universal sense of things I highly recommend his writings. I really needed to slow down and pay close attention to his concepts. He does not hold back and states his position with passion and a directness that I admire. I have become more aware of the dynamics of my life since reading him. "Think on These Things" is well worth reading.
I owe a lot to these four individuals. My journey in remission and remaining drug free would not have been if it wasn't for these people putting it out there. My heart and spirit were given validation by the writings, concepts, thoughts, and caring of these individuals.
As always I encourage everyone to contemplate and examine everything they read, watch, or listen too.
There are things that work and things that don't. Remission is about gathering tools and listening to others who have been on the same pathway.
Let's continue to explore together.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Monday, February 24, 2014
Spirituality, Fun, and it all Matters.
Hey you!!
I went to a sitting group Sunday in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
I was reminded of a few things while I was there that has been a real motivator on my spiritual journey.
Humor.
We laugh and sometimes cry on this journey.
And I have noticed that when we are laughing it is usually is at ourselves.
And we laugh a lot.
I have noticed that when I am laughing it automatically brings me into the present.
And.
It's hard to think and laugh at the same instant.
Awareness, the spiritual journey, seeking anything should be fun and have some laughs.
If not what's it really worth?
All of my "teachers" have had a really great awareness of humor.
When I sat at Stillpoint in Detroit Jerri Larkin was the guiding teacher.
She was awesome in the humor department and a very wise woman. She has an innate sense of when humor needs to be applied.
I learned a lot from her.
Susan reminded me Sunday that it's all valuable.
We cannot discover something unless we are working against the "contrast."
When we start to label it leads nowhere, but when we just become interested in the process it leads everywhere.
Finally on the way home it really hit me that you can't let go of something unless you know what it is.
You can't attain anything unless you know what it is.
So we need to experience all the so called lows and highs.
The universe lends us everything we need to know what to let go of and what we really want.
I was in a Monastery in California one summer and the group was having a discussion under the stars one night.
It was one of those topics like what happens after you die?
I was listening because I don't see much value in pure opinion type discussions.
I noticed our teacher sitting across from me gazing at the fire.
After 15 or twenty minutes of discussion someone asked her what she thought.
She stood up, brushed herself off, and said:
" I guess this proves that intelligence is highly over rated as a coping mechanism." and walked off.
I am still laughing about that.
In Loving
Kindness
Bryan
I went to a sitting group Sunday in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
I was reminded of a few things while I was there that has been a real motivator on my spiritual journey.
Humor.
We laugh and sometimes cry on this journey.
And I have noticed that when we are laughing it is usually is at ourselves.
And we laugh a lot.
I have noticed that when I am laughing it automatically brings me into the present.
And.
It's hard to think and laugh at the same instant.
Awareness, the spiritual journey, seeking anything should be fun and have some laughs.
If not what's it really worth?
All of my "teachers" have had a really great awareness of humor.
When I sat at Stillpoint in Detroit Jerri Larkin was the guiding teacher.
She was awesome in the humor department and a very wise woman. She has an innate sense of when humor needs to be applied.
I learned a lot from her.
Susan reminded me Sunday that it's all valuable.
We cannot discover something unless we are working against the "contrast."
When we start to label it leads nowhere, but when we just become interested in the process it leads everywhere.
Finally on the way home it really hit me that you can't let go of something unless you know what it is.
You can't attain anything unless you know what it is.
So we need to experience all the so called lows and highs.
The universe lends us everything we need to know what to let go of and what we really want.
I was in a Monastery in California one summer and the group was having a discussion under the stars one night.
It was one of those topics like what happens after you die?
I was listening because I don't see much value in pure opinion type discussions.
I noticed our teacher sitting across from me gazing at the fire.
After 15 or twenty minutes of discussion someone asked her what she thought.
She stood up, brushed herself off, and said:
" I guess this proves that intelligence is highly over rated as a coping mechanism." and walked off.
I am still laughing about that.
In Loving
Bryan
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Spirituality and Armor of the Heart.
Hi.
Armor of the Heart.
We all have it. It comes with our conditioning.
We try to protect ourselves from the world as we see it.
Why?
We really spend so much time trying to be safe don't we?
And hoping to find someone who has all the answers.
No one does.
And if we find someone or some system that seems to have the answers
we immediately add it to our armor and use it to defend ourselves.
What happens is this creates a filter that doesn't allow us to feel much of anything.
Going in or going out.
Safe = Numb
We stop living our lives and stay safe in all that armor.
We fear being hurt.
Yet if you look closely we get hurt anyway.
Why?
It's not really Armor after all.
It's a cloaking device.
It does nothing really.
If I show you who I am what are you going to do with it?
Tell someone?
Disapprove?
Laugh?
Make fun of?
You can do that.
But
All that says nothing about me and everything about you.
So
Just for today.
Try to soften the heart, let life in and out, let your heart breath.
And in the end
It will only matter to you.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Armor of the Heart.
We all have it. It comes with our conditioning.
We try to protect ourselves from the world as we see it.
Why?
We really spend so much time trying to be safe don't we?
And hoping to find someone who has all the answers.
No one does.
And if we find someone or some system that seems to have the answers
we immediately add it to our armor and use it to defend ourselves.
What happens is this creates a filter that doesn't allow us to feel much of anything.
Going in or going out.
Safe = Numb
We stop living our lives and stay safe in all that armor.
We fear being hurt.
Yet if you look closely we get hurt anyway.
Why?
It's not really Armor after all.
It's a cloaking device.
It does nothing really.
If I show you who I am what are you going to do with it?
Tell someone?
Disapprove?
Laugh?
Make fun of?
You can do that.
But
All that says nothing about me and everything about you.
So
Just for today.
Try to soften the heart, let life in and out, let your heart breath.
And in the end
It will only matter to you.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Monday, January 20, 2014
Meditation: Get Started Now
Hey
I think many folks get scared when it comes to attempting a "meditation" practice. I mean there are so many different types of meditation. So many forms and teachers. It is a little intimidating.
Then of course there are all the bells and whistles that go with it.
Benches.
Mats.
Beads.
Clothes.
Statues.
Incense.
Alters.
Wrist beads.
Books.
Candles.
Retreats
Meditation Halls
And of course only certain people can "teach" meditation.
Really? It's that complicated? And all this special stuff has amounted to what over several thousand years?
Nothing.
Just meditation.
Use it if ritual works and you have taken the time to develop one.
I sit on a mat. I have an alter. I burn incense. Not for any other reason than I like it.
But I also meditate when I stuck in line at the Post Office.
And what type to practice?
The west has more contemplative meditative practices than you may think. Almost every religion has some form of meditation imbedded in it.
Why?
Because Meditation works.
You can really see how you process if you confine you mind to a place where you can observe it.
If you are quiet and stay still the mind has no where to hide so it's just you and it.
And you may ask who is "you?"
Have you noticed that there is a presence that watches while everything else in the universe goes on.
It watches your thoughts.
It watches you when you are acting out.
It watches you no matter what your emotional status happens to be.
It is you without all the noise.
It is the one that your mind call "You" when the thought "you shouldn't have done that" comes to mind. What other person could your mind be talking too?
I love to meditate.
I love it because I am not trying to get anywhere with it except know myself and how my processes work.
What my fears are based on.
What my happiness is based on.
On how process is different from content emotionally.
So here is my suggestion.
If you want to start meditating go ahead.
Find some time.
Any amount will do.
And be still.
Breathe.
And listen to what happens when you notice your own thoughts racing along.
It is a good start.
Don't over complicate or let someone tell you that there are "special ways" to meditate.
There are hundreds of ways to meditate my friends.
There is only one you.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
I think many folks get scared when it comes to attempting a "meditation" practice. I mean there are so many different types of meditation. So many forms and teachers. It is a little intimidating.
Then of course there are all the bells and whistles that go with it.
Benches.
Mats.
Beads.
Clothes.
Statues.
Incense.
Alters.
Wrist beads.
Books.
Candles.
Retreats
Meditation Halls
And of course only certain people can "teach" meditation.
Really? It's that complicated? And all this special stuff has amounted to what over several thousand years?
Nothing.
Just meditation.
Use it if ritual works and you have taken the time to develop one.
I sit on a mat. I have an alter. I burn incense. Not for any other reason than I like it.
But I also meditate when I stuck in line at the Post Office.
And what type to practice?
The west has more contemplative meditative practices than you may think. Almost every religion has some form of meditation imbedded in it.
Why?
Because Meditation works.
You can really see how you process if you confine you mind to a place where you can observe it.
If you are quiet and stay still the mind has no where to hide so it's just you and it.
And you may ask who is "you?"
Have you noticed that there is a presence that watches while everything else in the universe goes on.
It watches your thoughts.
It watches you when you are acting out.
It watches you no matter what your emotional status happens to be.
It is you without all the noise.
It is the one that your mind call "You" when the thought "you shouldn't have done that" comes to mind. What other person could your mind be talking too?
I love to meditate.
I love it because I am not trying to get anywhere with it except know myself and how my processes work.
What my fears are based on.
What my happiness is based on.
On how process is different from content emotionally.
So here is my suggestion.
If you want to start meditating go ahead.
Find some time.
Any amount will do.
And be still.
Breathe.
And listen to what happens when you notice your own thoughts racing along.
It is a good start.
Don't over complicate or let someone tell you that there are "special ways" to meditate.
There are hundreds of ways to meditate my friends.
There is only one you.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Monday, January 13, 2014
Enlightenment and Practical Meditation
Hey.
I have done a few decades worth of study concerning meditation, awareness, and enlightenment.
I absolutely love meditation and hanging out with a Sanga and/or like minded people who enjoy sitting.
There are some great benefits from having a practice.
During this period of time I have talked to more than a few people who talk about awareness and enlightenment.
A lot of this amounts to absolutely nothing.
Have you ever met anyone who is enlightened? I would like to hear from you. I would like to know exactly what "enlightened" means.
Over and over again I hear the constant commenting that enlightened people can't seem to discuss this state using everyday language. I am told that this state is somehow beyond my or your understanding, dangerous if somehow we am not ready to take on the enormous task of being enlightened, or if I study long and hard enough and really apply myself it will happen.
Of course I won't be able to explain it to anyone. No one seems able to do this.
Despite this seemingly mysterious state people continue to argue over who is "enlightened" and who is not.
Exactly what have all the "enlightened ones done?"
We have been on this planet for thousands of years and I suppose there have been quite a few "enlightened" ones along the way.
Nothing much seems to have changed in the basics of human interactions.
I think it has become really sad that so many people have decided to be professional gurus and sell enlightenment. Of course they can sell it under any label or definition they decide on since there never has been a concise definition of enlightened.
Most of these people would refuse to say they are enlightened yet have no problem with selling the idea to as many people as possible. If they were to admit that are enlightened someone may ask them to prove it.
Most of what these professional "gurus" are selling can be had for the price of a library card and some well spent time reading.
And, it seems like I have talked to more than a few people who feel the same way I do. I think lots of people fear challenging the "system" because they fear they will be criticized or ostracized from the community they practice in.
I think it's about time we start looking at a meditation practice as a practical devise and enjoy the benefits without all the mystical price tag that comes with the concept of enlightened.
Next time some thoughts on awareness.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
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