Hi
Glad to be here, glad to be anywhere at this juncture!
I have become aware of something lately. That being that there is never one single explanation for why anything occurs.The reason I have noticed this is because the many one reason explanations I have been getting doing interviews on remission and drug use. Doing some of the transcripts from recordings I noticed that most people have a single "reason" why they choose to use drugs and alcohol. The other thing is that it always seems to involve other people.
Now I have no real belief in "blaming" anyone for my actions. I am highly aware of how much conditioning embeds its self in my reactions to any input. I also am aware that my ego has an issue with taking responsibilty for my reactions. It simply doesn't want the responisbility for taking actions that may not be in my best interest.
So my ego, for a long time, blamed my drug and alcohol use on my parents, my lack of self esteem, my lack of friendships, my sexual abuse issues, my sister, and a variety of other components of growing up and existing in society.
All of this sounded pretty good. I wasted years in therapy using these so called issues one at a time. Never really realizing that the reality was that I had no one to blame but myself. It felt good blaming others and other things on my continued use. But really, would those dynamice really keep me going for decades using drugs and alcohol? The answer is no.
So how do we cut this cycle short?
My question to myself is simple. Is what I am saying real? Or is it just a fantasy? Now to be precise I was abused sexually as a child. And I am sure that it had some effects on me as I grew up. But lets be honest. My abuse issues had nothing to do with me using drugs to numb myself for decades. And in fact using the abuse as an excuse did nothing but keep it going and definately placed any resolution on the back burner.
Reality says that there are lots of people out there who have not abused drugs and alcohol. They come from some pretty devestaing places, cultures and societies. Yet they never made the choice to abuse drugs and alcohol to help "bury" the feelings.
I am curious about this issue and would love to hear from anyone who has had experience in this same arena.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Friday, June 20, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Searching For a Me in Addiction and Remission.
Hi everyone.
Odd that so much of our lives can be spent in search of a "ME."
Finding yourself has always been a major theme in books, movies, and certainly on the spiritual path.
This becomes painfully apparent in remission from drugs, alcohol, behavior, food, shopping, web surfing, addictions or in fact any addiction you can name.
I think that sometimes this search is due to the fact that we have more time to examine ourselves.
I have a friend who overcame a TV addiction. She spent six hours a night watching the tube. When she stopped she suddenly crashed. Depression set in. She felt lost and without purpose. She started to question herself and it came in the form of the question "Who am I?"
There seems to be the theory that we are all a solid state "me" who has all these convictions, dedications, morals, directions, passions, and definitions.
Hmmm.
I have never seen that. I counseled for a few decades and have simply never seen that in anyone I counseled, worked with, was friends with, or family. I have never seen that in myself. Only an impermanent state of flux.
Humans are a part of the constantly changing universe. We are not born with a solid state personality nor are we given one by society or family in our growth years.
We are changeable like everything else in this section of the universe.
Lots of times what we end up doing is to build on the concept of a "future me."
The future me will have all the attributes, meaning, and direction that I am so sure I don't have right now.
We can become obsessed with building this future me. If only I do this or that I will be happy, good looking, secure, popular, and at peace, but only at some future date.
What is the problem with this?
We give up our current now for the "future me." We forget that we are all those things that we are seeking. We know these things or we wouldn't even know what to seek. We are all the things we are seeking. Even now.
So we can change the current me but not the future one. We can be the things we want to be right now.
We are mostly what we do. In the moment we can do as an expression of what we are. The future or past me has no place for expressing what they are. It just doesn't work like that.
So be the person you want to be today.
You don't have to look for you any further than your current awareness of now.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Odd that so much of our lives can be spent in search of a "ME."
Finding yourself has always been a major theme in books, movies, and certainly on the spiritual path.
This becomes painfully apparent in remission from drugs, alcohol, behavior, food, shopping, web surfing, addictions or in fact any addiction you can name.
I think that sometimes this search is due to the fact that we have more time to examine ourselves.
I have a friend who overcame a TV addiction. She spent six hours a night watching the tube. When she stopped she suddenly crashed. Depression set in. She felt lost and without purpose. She started to question herself and it came in the form of the question "Who am I?"
There seems to be the theory that we are all a solid state "me" who has all these convictions, dedications, morals, directions, passions, and definitions.
Hmmm.
I have never seen that. I counseled for a few decades and have simply never seen that in anyone I counseled, worked with, was friends with, or family. I have never seen that in myself. Only an impermanent state of flux.
Humans are a part of the constantly changing universe. We are not born with a solid state personality nor are we given one by society or family in our growth years.
We are changeable like everything else in this section of the universe.
Lots of times what we end up doing is to build on the concept of a "future me."
The future me will have all the attributes, meaning, and direction that I am so sure I don't have right now.
We can become obsessed with building this future me. If only I do this or that I will be happy, good looking, secure, popular, and at peace, but only at some future date.
What is the problem with this?
We give up our current now for the "future me." We forget that we are all those things that we are seeking. We know these things or we wouldn't even know what to seek. We are all the things we are seeking. Even now.
So we can change the current me but not the future one. We can be the things we want to be right now.
We are mostly what we do. In the moment we can do as an expression of what we are. The future or past me has no place for expressing what they are. It just doesn't work like that.
So be the person you want to be today.
You don't have to look for you any further than your current awareness of now.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Monday, March 17, 2014
Relapse, Lapse, and the Remission process.
Hi,
Recently I was on a recovery blog and the whole idea of relapse came up. I have noticed that my first instinct during a relape was always centered on anger, depression, failure, and a sense of losing my grip on my remission from the addiction.
I like to take a different view of relapse so here are some thoughts.
To make it clear I am not diminishing the seriousness of a relapse or lapse, what I am pointing out is the incredible value of the experiences.
A point I would like to make in starting out. No one all of a sudden has a lapse or a relapse. These events start to occur minutes, hours, days, weeks, or months before they actually happen. It is one of the reasons I do an awareness practice so I don't miss the signs and symptoms of a possible lapse or relapse cycle.
Relapse and lapse usually happen when someone falls out of their remission mode and "Makes the decision" to return to the addiction. Notice that this is a decision not happenstance or a particular need. Once we stop the addictive process a return to active addiction was a choice, we can rationalize it anyway we want too but it was a choice. Own it.
Relapse has to have the feature of return to using over a significant period of time that re-establishes the pattern of addiction previous to remission. Addictions will return to their "norm" quickly so we are talking hours or days. If that occurs then I need to re-engage with the remission process and realize that whatever tools I was using need to be reinforced by adding some more. My belief system is that most relapse happens when an individual is attempting to process an emotional status, anger, sadness, happiness, anxiety, fear, or any one of the emotional states that are verbally identified. Keep in mind that we can have multiple emotions and levels of emotions co-occuring. I have heard arguments concerning happiness or joy and whether they can cause relapse or lapse because it feels counter intuitive. Why re-addict if we are happy? My belief is because an addiction prevents us from having all feelings, not just the so called negative ones, so the coping and experiencing skills are minimal. Relapse will happen when we become attached to the feelings we are trying to resolve and identify with them. There is a refusal to let them flow through the natural cycle. We cling to them and focus on them. We don't want to let go. So there is a natural return to a state in which feelings take a second place while we cover them with the addiction.
Lapse is a different animal entirely. Lapse is a momentary plateau in the remission process. It is a momentary brief return to the addiction cycle. Once again it appears that most are triggered by an emotional status that we cling to and it enables the lapse.
No one wants to lapse. The good news is that if you experience a lapse you can learn a tremendous amount from being aware of the context and content of the area around the lapse.
Some suggestions:
A lapse is telling you that you need to add more remission tools to your toolbox. It says that you have had enough remission to lapse from. Remember those days when all you wanted was to get away from the addiction? Well a lapse indicate you have come a long way.
As an addict I have a history of dualistic thinking. So I am in recovery or not, I am good or bad, I am successful or a failure. This kind of thinking can turn a lapse into a long term relapse. It can enable panic, anger, and self hatred. We simply "give up" over a single incident. Don't do that. This is the single most important goal in making sure we don't enter long term relapse after a lapse occurs. Don't worry about not taking it seriously, you will without beating yourself up.
As soon as possible re establish the behaviors and thought processes that were enabling remission in the first place. All of them as soon as you can. By soon I mean within minutes or hours. It will get you back to familiar grounding.
Don't get caught up in the content of what happen. As soon as possible start looking at the process of what happened. You will find there were "touch points" going into the lapse where awareness could have prevented the lapse. Do not waste time using this to beat yourself up for not taking action, we look at the process to insure that you will recognize the signs in the future.
You are not "starting over." This is another dualistic concept. You are simply going to pick up from where you are and add new tools. In this part of the universe times moves forward and the Laws of Thermodynamics indicate that starting over is an illusion.
Finally, Learn, Let Go, and Walk On.
We learn from what happened, we let go of the content, and we walk on into the next phase of remission.
A lapse can be therapeutic if not ignored and provide some real grounding into long term recovery.
As always thank you for reading and letting me share.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Recently I was on a recovery blog and the whole idea of relapse came up. I have noticed that my first instinct during a relape was always centered on anger, depression, failure, and a sense of losing my grip on my remission from the addiction.
I like to take a different view of relapse so here are some thoughts.
To make it clear I am not diminishing the seriousness of a relapse or lapse, what I am pointing out is the incredible value of the experiences.
A point I would like to make in starting out. No one all of a sudden has a lapse or a relapse. These events start to occur minutes, hours, days, weeks, or months before they actually happen. It is one of the reasons I do an awareness practice so I don't miss the signs and symptoms of a possible lapse or relapse cycle.
Relapse and lapse usually happen when someone falls out of their remission mode and "Makes the decision" to return to the addiction. Notice that this is a decision not happenstance or a particular need. Once we stop the addictive process a return to active addiction was a choice, we can rationalize it anyway we want too but it was a choice. Own it.
Relapse has to have the feature of return to using over a significant period of time that re-establishes the pattern of addiction previous to remission. Addictions will return to their "norm" quickly so we are talking hours or days. If that occurs then I need to re-engage with the remission process and realize that whatever tools I was using need to be reinforced by adding some more. My belief system is that most relapse happens when an individual is attempting to process an emotional status, anger, sadness, happiness, anxiety, fear, or any one of the emotional states that are verbally identified. Keep in mind that we can have multiple emotions and levels of emotions co-occuring. I have heard arguments concerning happiness or joy and whether they can cause relapse or lapse because it feels counter intuitive. Why re-addict if we are happy? My belief is because an addiction prevents us from having all feelings, not just the so called negative ones, so the coping and experiencing skills are minimal. Relapse will happen when we become attached to the feelings we are trying to resolve and identify with them. There is a refusal to let them flow through the natural cycle. We cling to them and focus on them. We don't want to let go. So there is a natural return to a state in which feelings take a second place while we cover them with the addiction.
Lapse is a different animal entirely. Lapse is a momentary plateau in the remission process. It is a momentary brief return to the addiction cycle. Once again it appears that most are triggered by an emotional status that we cling to and it enables the lapse.
No one wants to lapse. The good news is that if you experience a lapse you can learn a tremendous amount from being aware of the context and content of the area around the lapse.
Some suggestions:
A lapse is telling you that you need to add more remission tools to your toolbox. It says that you have had enough remission to lapse from. Remember those days when all you wanted was to get away from the addiction? Well a lapse indicate you have come a long way.
As an addict I have a history of dualistic thinking. So I am in recovery or not, I am good or bad, I am successful or a failure. This kind of thinking can turn a lapse into a long term relapse. It can enable panic, anger, and self hatred. We simply "give up" over a single incident. Don't do that. This is the single most important goal in making sure we don't enter long term relapse after a lapse occurs. Don't worry about not taking it seriously, you will without beating yourself up.
As soon as possible re establish the behaviors and thought processes that were enabling remission in the first place. All of them as soon as you can. By soon I mean within minutes or hours. It will get you back to familiar grounding.
Don't get caught up in the content of what happen. As soon as possible start looking at the process of what happened. You will find there were "touch points" going into the lapse where awareness could have prevented the lapse. Do not waste time using this to beat yourself up for not taking action, we look at the process to insure that you will recognize the signs in the future.
You are not "starting over." This is another dualistic concept. You are simply going to pick up from where you are and add new tools. In this part of the universe times moves forward and the Laws of Thermodynamics indicate that starting over is an illusion.
Finally, Learn, Let Go, and Walk On.
We learn from what happened, we let go of the content, and we walk on into the next phase of remission.
A lapse can be therapeutic if not ignored and provide some real grounding into long term recovery.
As always thank you for reading and letting me share.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
Heroin, Zen, and Remission from Drug Use
Hey,
Heroin was a big problem and I know it could still be a big problem if I returned to using it. So far so good though, my remission continues.
I always knew that although I was obsessed with the drug and it's rituals that it wasn't really heroin I craved, it was the Sweet Spot that the heroin produced. At least at first. Then it just became a chase.
And it seemed to fill that fucking hole inside my heart where all the fear, anxiety, self hatred, loneliness, anger, and hatred seemed to live.
The hole in my heart is what kept driving me back into relapse and using.
Until I discovered Zen and meditation. It was the exact opposite of what heroin was. It was introspective and worldly, compassionate and real, and most of all accepting. And I am sure there are many paths to the opposite, not just Zen and meditation. Possibilities are endless.
See the hole doesn't leave at least not for me.
And
The only thing I needed to do was accept the hole. I needed to realize that I wasn't some kind of a freak and we all have that feeling inside sometimes.
Empty like the desert, and ocean, or sky, and mountain views and lonely in the middle of a crowd.
Sitting really helped me see that. Meditation community let me know that. Compassion helped me understand that.
I believe that quitting heroin really opened up that hole in me, since I had not been present to it for such a long time.
If you are struggling with an addiction remember that we can't just remove something from our lives, we need to replace it with something else.
It just works that way.
So now sometimes I just sit and cry. And it feels good. And the hole in my heart reminds me that I am human and sane.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Heroin was a big problem and I know it could still be a big problem if I returned to using it. So far so good though, my remission continues.
I always knew that although I was obsessed with the drug and it's rituals that it wasn't really heroin I craved, it was the Sweet Spot that the heroin produced. At least at first. Then it just became a chase.
And it seemed to fill that fucking hole inside my heart where all the fear, anxiety, self hatred, loneliness, anger, and hatred seemed to live.
The hole in my heart is what kept driving me back into relapse and using.
Until I discovered Zen and meditation. It was the exact opposite of what heroin was. It was introspective and worldly, compassionate and real, and most of all accepting. And I am sure there are many paths to the opposite, not just Zen and meditation. Possibilities are endless.
See the hole doesn't leave at least not for me.
And
The only thing I needed to do was accept the hole. I needed to realize that I wasn't some kind of a freak and we all have that feeling inside sometimes.
Empty like the desert, and ocean, or sky, and mountain views and lonely in the middle of a crowd.
Sitting really helped me see that. Meditation community let me know that. Compassion helped me understand that.
I believe that quitting heroin really opened up that hole in me, since I had not been present to it for such a long time.
If you are struggling with an addiction remember that we can't just remove something from our lives, we need to replace it with something else.
It just works that way.
So now sometimes I just sit and cry. And it feels good. And the hole in my heart reminds me that I am human and sane.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Friday, February 28, 2014
Meditation, Recovery, Influences
Hi,
I wanted to thank everyone for the support on this page.
I have added some links and some books that I found influential concerning my spirituality and my remission status.
Cheri Huber is an American Zen teacher although I am not sure she would call herself that exactly. Her work "There is Nothing Wrong With You" was of monumental influence on me and how I related to myself, my family, and emotional content. I did a retreat at the Monastery and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is seeking to establish a relationship with themselves.
Anthony DeMello struck a serious chord in my heart. This man was able to simplify concepts so they became extremely assessable and easy to use in everyday life. He was the first one to give me hope that my position in life wasn't due to my drug history or family insanity. "The Way to Love" is a book I still read on a weekly basis.
Byron Katie, all I can say is that if you check out "The Work" and apply yourself life will make more sense and, I think, will explain a lot about how you see the world and what is actually happening. "A Thousand Names for Joy" is one I go back to over and over.
J. Krishnamurti is a most fascinating person. If you have a universal sense of things I highly recommend his writings. I really needed to slow down and pay close attention to his concepts. He does not hold back and states his position with passion and a directness that I admire. I have become more aware of the dynamics of my life since reading him. "Think on These Things" is well worth reading.
I owe a lot to these four individuals. My journey in remission and remaining drug free would not have been if it wasn't for these people putting it out there. My heart and spirit were given validation by the writings, concepts, thoughts, and caring of these individuals.
As always I encourage everyone to contemplate and examine everything they read, watch, or listen too.
There are things that work and things that don't. Remission is about gathering tools and listening to others who have been on the same pathway.
Let's continue to explore together.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
I wanted to thank everyone for the support on this page.
I have added some links and some books that I found influential concerning my spirituality and my remission status.
Cheri Huber is an American Zen teacher although I am not sure she would call herself that exactly. Her work "There is Nothing Wrong With You" was of monumental influence on me and how I related to myself, my family, and emotional content. I did a retreat at the Monastery and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is seeking to establish a relationship with themselves.
Anthony DeMello struck a serious chord in my heart. This man was able to simplify concepts so they became extremely assessable and easy to use in everyday life. He was the first one to give me hope that my position in life wasn't due to my drug history or family insanity. "The Way to Love" is a book I still read on a weekly basis.
Byron Katie, all I can say is that if you check out "The Work" and apply yourself life will make more sense and, I think, will explain a lot about how you see the world and what is actually happening. "A Thousand Names for Joy" is one I go back to over and over.
J. Krishnamurti is a most fascinating person. If you have a universal sense of things I highly recommend his writings. I really needed to slow down and pay close attention to his concepts. He does not hold back and states his position with passion and a directness that I admire. I have become more aware of the dynamics of my life since reading him. "Think on These Things" is well worth reading.
I owe a lot to these four individuals. My journey in remission and remaining drug free would not have been if it wasn't for these people putting it out there. My heart and spirit were given validation by the writings, concepts, thoughts, and caring of these individuals.
As always I encourage everyone to contemplate and examine everything they read, watch, or listen too.
There are things that work and things that don't. Remission is about gathering tools and listening to others who have been on the same pathway.
Let's continue to explore together.
In Loving Kindness
Bryan
Monday, February 24, 2014
Spirituality, Fun, and it all Matters.
Hey you!!
I went to a sitting group Sunday in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
I was reminded of a few things while I was there that has been a real motivator on my spiritual journey.
Humor.
We laugh and sometimes cry on this journey.
And I have noticed that when we are laughing it is usually is at ourselves.
And we laugh a lot.
I have noticed that when I am laughing it automatically brings me into the present.
And.
It's hard to think and laugh at the same instant.
Awareness, the spiritual journey, seeking anything should be fun and have some laughs.
If not what's it really worth?
All of my "teachers" have had a really great awareness of humor.
When I sat at Stillpoint in Detroit Jerri Larkin was the guiding teacher.
She was awesome in the humor department and a very wise woman. She has an innate sense of when humor needs to be applied.
I learned a lot from her.
Susan reminded me Sunday that it's all valuable.
We cannot discover something unless we are working against the "contrast."
When we start to label it leads nowhere, but when we just become interested in the process it leads everywhere.
Finally on the way home it really hit me that you can't let go of something unless you know what it is.
You can't attain anything unless you know what it is.
So we need to experience all the so called lows and highs.
The universe lends us everything we need to know what to let go of and what we really want.
I was in a Monastery in California one summer and the group was having a discussion under the stars one night.
It was one of those topics like what happens after you die?
I was listening because I don't see much value in pure opinion type discussions.
I noticed our teacher sitting across from me gazing at the fire.
After 15 or twenty minutes of discussion someone asked her what she thought.
She stood up, brushed herself off, and said:
" I guess this proves that intelligence is highly over rated as a coping mechanism." and walked off.
I am still laughing about that.
In Loving
Kindness
Bryan
I went to a sitting group Sunday in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
I was reminded of a few things while I was there that has been a real motivator on my spiritual journey.
Humor.
We laugh and sometimes cry on this journey.
And I have noticed that when we are laughing it is usually is at ourselves.
And we laugh a lot.
I have noticed that when I am laughing it automatically brings me into the present.
And.
It's hard to think and laugh at the same instant.
Awareness, the spiritual journey, seeking anything should be fun and have some laughs.
If not what's it really worth?
All of my "teachers" have had a really great awareness of humor.
When I sat at Stillpoint in Detroit Jerri Larkin was the guiding teacher.
She was awesome in the humor department and a very wise woman. She has an innate sense of when humor needs to be applied.
I learned a lot from her.
Susan reminded me Sunday that it's all valuable.
We cannot discover something unless we are working against the "contrast."
When we start to label it leads nowhere, but when we just become interested in the process it leads everywhere.
Finally on the way home it really hit me that you can't let go of something unless you know what it is.
You can't attain anything unless you know what it is.
So we need to experience all the so called lows and highs.
The universe lends us everything we need to know what to let go of and what we really want.
I was in a Monastery in California one summer and the group was having a discussion under the stars one night.
It was one of those topics like what happens after you die?
I was listening because I don't see much value in pure opinion type discussions.
I noticed our teacher sitting across from me gazing at the fire.
After 15 or twenty minutes of discussion someone asked her what she thought.
She stood up, brushed herself off, and said:
" I guess this proves that intelligence is highly over rated as a coping mechanism." and walked off.
I am still laughing about that.
In Loving
Bryan
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