Patience and The Art of Recovery

                                                                                             

Hey!

     I know that that it's so easy to want what you want right now. Every notice that? Ever notice how much that ties into the process of remission and recovery? How wanting is intrinsically tied to lapse and relapse? It's not just a matter of getting what I want, it's also a matter of not getting what I want. Either can result in lapse and relapse. 

     Actually it's a lot easier to want what you have. But I don't see many of us working on that one. We live in an age where deciding what you want and getting it has become the new way of life. It has become the new prime directive. 

     Having patience to me is the simple but not so simple process of choosing to not act on my thought structure or not being able to act on my thought structure and waiting without reacting.  I am more focused on the choosing to not act part because that's what drove so many of my addictions. Not doing something, of course, seems like the simplest thing in the world. Not doing. How hard could that be? Unfortunately I have, sigh, sustained a lot of damage by acting and reacting on my thoughts. A lot of times there was absolutely no thought structure that said "Perhaps you shouldn't do this." I had a thought and I reacted immediately. It comes under the old saying "If I had a nickle for every time I screwed up by acting immediately on my thoughts I'd have a million dollars!" (Or more.)

     Most of my addictions rely on me having no patience. Oh don't get me wrong. I have plenty of patience when it comes to waiting to fulfill any of my addictions. When I was using drugs I would wait for hours in order to obtain them. I would drive ridiculous distances in order to buy them. I had the patience of a saint as long as I could perceive a reward.

     But it doesn't work that way when I want to put a halt to my addictions because my addictions are the perceived reward. My default position says that if I don't "have" the focus of my addiction I will have nothing. My addiction logic says "Why would I try to be patient in order to have nothing?"

     Except it's a lie.

     Nothing about addiction is rewarding. It might be a lot of things but it's not a reward. And rarely actually improves the quality of life. A real reward is measured in things like feeling pretty good about ourselves from the overall perspective of living life. It comes with a sense of evolving in a direction of our choice not a default direction. Rewards are internal. I don't really absorb "rewards" from other people. Perhaps for a second or a bit longer. But then I never keep them because they fade. If I value rewards given to me by others I want more, and it turns into another addiction. That would be the well know "approval addiction" that our entire planet could do without. A real reward is one that you keep inside of you. It's yours.You "grow" it internally.

     You can measure you patience. When you have a thought that you don't want to react upon you can delay action and you can measure it. Do you give yourself credit if you delay an action and yet perhaps still act on it later? Do you just throw that earned patience away and feel you are starting over? You do yourself an injustice if you do and you are making change harder than it needs to be.

By practicing even a one minute delay you are developing your potential to delay longer. That's worth celebrating.

     Now humans don't like to think this way but if you were drinking heavily every day and finally narrowed it down to drinking once a day would you celebrate that as a success or feel you were "Still an alcoholic" and consider it a failure? Most people believe the latter. When actually that have set up a new default system and need to feel the internal reward of doing so. Do what you need to do to increase potential and celebrate it.

     Did you realize that a delay is a success? Or do you only see success as a total and complete change? The difference will be in how you treat yourself. Either as a success or a failure. It's crucial to see the difference.

    So next time you sit with a thought that is driving you to act on an addiction see if you can delay it by one minute.

     One minute by the clock.

     You may find at the end of one minute you don't want to act on the thought anymore. You may decide to wait another minute. And another one. And you may find that you will spend the rest of your life minute by minute being patient with yourself and celebrating life without the addiction.

     As always I look forward to comments and any feedback.

Sincerely,
Bryan S. Wagner

   

A New Default or 15 Minutes to a new you.

Hi

     Have you ever noticed how we live our lives in our heads? We exist almost entirely on ideas instead of acts. It's axiomatic that we feel by having thoughts, particularly "taking action" thoughts, that we have made some sort of significant progress towards accomplishments.

     Not true.

     Thinking and planning is not doing. It never will be. I am not saying that they don't have a lot of value. They set the artificial "map" of a possible territory. But that's really all that happens. Plus when you look closely you will see that having a "map" or "goal" does not prevent the flow of life from simply changing your chosen direction. Outcomes are never a surety. Change is the norm.

     My friend Carl told me that he had decided to do some work outside his house. It had been a couple of years since he did anything due to an injury that was now fully healed.  Now the time was ripe to get the yard and house in shape. He figured it would take several weekends and wanted to get started. So Carl sat at the kitchen table and drew out a picture of the yard and carefully labeled the areas he needed to work on and exactly what he needed to do. Then he made a list of the things he would need. Mulch, seed, some flowers, boarder bricks, and he took a walk through the garage and decided he needed a few tools.

     He was done for the day and congratulated himself on finally getting started.

     The next weekend he took some pictures of the house and decided he needed to brick the chimney,
paint the shutters, and blacktop the driveway. Again going to the garage to check his tools situation and make a list. He also went to a local mega store and wrote down some prices of materials and tools. He felt he was making some good progress at this point.

     The  next weekend he was unable to do any yard work because it rained really hard that weekend and he decided to let it go another week.

     The next weekend he had a trip planned with the family so nothing was accomplished.

     Hey! Finally the weather was good and he was going to be home on a weekend so he went to the store and bought materials brought them home and loaded them in the garage. Done for the day he really felt a sense of accomplishment.

     He wasn't "feeling well" the next weekend so he put the project off.

So at this point your probably asking yourself is Carl ever going to get this done? Well I really don't know. He hasn't started yet and as I write this June will be over soon.

     Carl was over the other day and was bitching because he hadn't accomplished anything in the yard or house. I said nothing but inside I understood how the whole event was playing out. Carl was doing a version of a pattern that a lot of us professional procrastinators use. This is what happened to me when I initially attended college and was given an assignment. First I would make "plans" to do an assignment that needed to be done. I would plan what night I was going to do it. Then I would make sure that I had everything I needed to accomplish the assignment. Then I would get my "work area" ready. All this would take up Friday and Saturday. By the time I finished screwing around on Sunday I would find myself up against the clock concerning the time. I would then feel anxious and most of the time very angry. At everything. I always managed to get the work done but hardly ever in a timely manner. Carl has his own version of this cycle.

     Most of us have been through this but it's worth looking at time to time. We need to ask ourselves "What am I doing?" Not the "thinking of doing or planning" doing but actually taking action on my thoughts type of doing. It seems that we have come to a place in time where we are starting to believe that thinking about something is doing something. It's not. I get lots of blank stares when I ask people "So what are you doing about that?" If you watch or listen to the news you run into a lot of reports on things that appear relatively out of your hands when it comes to doing anything about it. "Feeling bad" or "sad" about events shows you have some emotional connection. However it's not going to resolve anything.

     I suspect lots of people manage to feel better by feeling bad. That way they can assuage their feelings about the issue, relieve some feelings, show others how much they care (lots of people can't seem to wait to tell me how much they care about stuff) and at the same time do nothing.

     I read once that you can tell somethings a problem if it has a solution. If not you are worrying. I wasn't sure about that until I actually started using that statement as a baseline for my thinking. I have found it's true, the only difference is if you are trying to actively find an answer. Even then we usually need to become active in real life in order to find solutions. We have been learning to think for so long that we actually believe that all problems are going to be solved by thinking.

     Thinking, when necessary, is a good way to start. And almost all the time the solution is going to have an "action" involved in coming to a solution. So what we need to focus on is thinking to action. There needs to be an action part of any problem solving, not the one we see in our heads, but the actual "moving the body through space" type of doing.

     Carl had the right idea when he went to the store, it fell apart when he was unable to further his action. As you can see Carl is starting to eat up his time and like most summers they move forward at a relentless pace.

     Committing to action is fine. Do not fall into the trap of "mind actions." Saying that your committed to doing something might make you feel good but it's still not the act of doing. Talking will not get anything done and it uses up time.

     You have probably noticed that time is a precious commodity. Or maybe not. However you look at time I can assure you that it's the single and most valuable resource you have. Without time we have nothing.

      I think that spending 15 minutes a day taking action is sufficient to overcome inertia. Most of us have and can spend 15 minutes a day on things we find important. What I find is that 15 minutes will prove to me how much my intent is real. It's better to take a walk for 15 minutes than to take weeks planning out and researching an elaborate exercise program. You can always spend a little time refining and restructuring your action. But if we are unwilling to commit to 15 minute period than what are we doing?

     Why 15 minutes? No real reason. Like most periods of time it's pretty arbitrary and in itself doesn't matter. But I like it because it falls under the heading doable. If 15 seems to long try 10 or 5. You can add more time later if you want. The idea is to start setting up a new "default" system. It becomes stronger if you can use the same time of day or week as a regular time.

     I sincerely hope you find something you have been planning and try it for fifteen minutes. Do not worry about what anyone thinks or how long anyone else is doing anything. Just pick the thing you find important and give it and you the gift of time.

Addiction and the Hole Whole

 The Black Hole of Addiction!

Hey!

     I want to talk a little bit about replacement technique today. After years of working with people who were addicted to a variety of behaviors and substances it became increasingly clear that taking an addiction process and terminating it in ones life left an enormous "hole". I  noticed this as an important part of the recovery process. Most people who were unsuccessful did not, or were unable to, replace their addiction with something lasting or they considered themselves totally "cured" after initial stabilization and proceeded to move away from their vision of an abstinent life. As a result they did not maintain the kind of lifestyle that would support and ongoing recovery and lapsed.  

     The problem as I understand it was that removing an addiction would leave a huge Hole in our everyday life. It makes sense because taking something out of our lives creates a vacuum in our behavioral, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual  existence. Most of the time it's a vacuum in direct purportion to the severity of the addiction. Awareness of the hole and it's impact would drive people back into addiction if nothing was done to substitute what was missing. The hole would produce feelings of emptyness, loss, feelings of sadness and depression, confusion, anger, resentment, longing, and a firece need for "something' that was undefinable. All the things that an "addiction" seemed to solve. People can and would last a long time feeling the hole at different times. Sooner or later the hole would drag them back in and lapse or relapse would occur.

     Some "professionals" and supporters seem to think that doing something like "going to meetings" or developing a "hobby" are things that will "fill" the hole. To some degree they are right. Particulary when people attend meetings regularly and become active members of a support system. Plus it is helpful to be applying themselves to the work of the process of the twelve steps. Where the mistake is made is underestimating the intense experience of addiction and how totally numbing the effects addiction has on everyday life. Addiction is with us every single moment of every day. Our addiction insinuates itself into our lives in ways we don't ever see until the addiction is diminished or gone and even then the impact may not be discernable until years later. Then we start to notice the thousands of ways we "miss" the addiction. What we do, what we say, our thoughts, daily routines, and our life direction has been contaminated by our addiction. So the idea of using a single activity to fill the whole is good but usually is not enough unless we turn the replacement into another addiction. This does happen and many times becomes another ongoing addiction that attacks the quality of a persons life. 

     So what do we do?

1. Become aware that this is happening. Don't write off or ignore feelings and thoughts. Trying to ignore or drive through feelings and thoughts is akin to the behaviors that enabled our addiction to begin with.
2. Accept that we will need to make a lot of changes in our lives. Just about everything needs to be examined and then changed or replaced. Our relationships, activities, thinking, attitude, ego, what we like or dislike, finances, food, exercise, and spirituality all needs to be examined. Commitment to this is crucial. Abstinence comes with lots of hard work and commitment. 
3. Fear and Anxiety will be part of the process. We are taking on a huge life change here. If you are not feeling some anxiety and fear then it's probably not happening. We don't fill the hole in our hearts without some fear. We are leaving the "safety" of addiction and going out into new territories. 
4. Keep a journal or use a recording to track what's going on in your daily life. People sometimes ask what good is journaling or recording ourselves going to be? After all we can all remember whats happening with us everyday so what's the problem? Recording our responses to daily life cuts through one of addictions greatest strengths. DENIAL. Addiction Ego will selectively use the days events against you. It will blindside you if you are not practicing awareness. Writing or recording as close to the event as possible cuts back on "selective memory' and ego centric contamination. If you try this for a month you will be surprized at what you are able to see. 
5. Develop and grow an awareness practice. I really encourage people to do this. There are many paths and opportunities to start an "awareness" practice. Doing so will enrich your ability to see what is instead of wanting to see what we believe. Addiction "does a number" on our ability to see clearly and seeing clearly is what makes life valuable. What we are seeking in an awareness practice is to develop some clarity in our perception of life. 
6. Engage in this process of recovery with others. We need to take ourselves out of the vacuum that we have been living in. In order to accomplish this we need others who are aware of our needs and directions. This can be intimidating but seeking out others who can support us when we are making changes can be crucial to success. Can we make changes without others for support? Of course we can. But having the support can accelerate our evolution, keep us from falling during vulnerable moments, and we get to help others evolve in their own lives. Others presence offers us a valuable mirror, we can look at ourselves from some one else's perspective. If we see this clearly it can be a great tool. 

     We are not in essence "getting rid" of something in our lives by leaving an addiction behind. What we are doing is opening up "space" to grow. We open up space for new experiences and perspectives. 

     I welcome any input, ideas and suggestion. 

Sincerely,

Bryan S. Wagner

Awareness in Recovery

Awareness.
Awareness.

I remember leading a group discussion concerning this topic as a counselor in a rehab. It was interesting how people viewed the idea of awareness and past relapses. We focused on when in the cycle of recovery and addiction a relapse starts.

Almost everyone acknowledged that is starts long before the actual event. Much of it seemed to hinge on self talk. Those "voices" in our heads that hardly ever have anything positive to say or act in any support of what is good for us. So much negativity.

A woman I'll call Jane admitted that she had planned her relapse for months. Her S/O was going on a business trip and she realized that as soon as she heard the news she started to "plan' her relapse. Images of buying heroin and using it "in secret" filled her mind. Jane was seeing a counselor, attending a support group, saw her relationship as stable and had a good job. She was active in a church and had a few friends. Despite all of the possible support she made the decision to use. This decision, made months before, cost her a lot. But in the long run Jane's awareness of what happened has also enriched her life.

Jane started an awareness practice backed by a contemplative practice that I recommend. She started doing a journal and unlike before started sharing this journal with others in her support group. So in essence she had the fortitude to take an unfortunate event and evolve from it. No more lies to herself or letting her egocentric addiction make the rules of the game. It's interesting that at least a part of her, even after some recovery time, simply took a return to heroin as a "legitimate" thought structure and also convinced her true self that she could live with it.

Most relapses don't happen in a vacuum. Addicts will sometimes say a relapse "just happened" because of no special reason. Maybe. But I reject that. Relapse starts a long time before the event. It can be subtle and insinuate itself into our minds but more often it's an agreement we make with out egocentric conditioning to allow it to happen.

Egocentric conditioning loves to make us victims. It can't and we aren't unless we allow it.

• In conjunction with recovery start looking at recovery as a daily remission status. Every single day is going to be different. 
• Old solutions don't always apply to new problems. Keep developing. 
• Which means to evolve. Daily. 
• Don't lie and don't listen to the lies your conditioning tells you. 
• The very second you "hear" those relapse thoughts address them. Right now and right then. Drop everything and take a look at where your ego is hijacking you. 
• Get it out. Don't let the ideas consume you. Share, write, record them and look at them. 

Get used to looking at the internal egocentric thinking on a daily basis. Start a practice that allows you to have the time to look inside and not take thoughts for granted. You don't have to study Zen like I did but look at all the options and start to investigate an awareness model that works for you. 

I encourage and love feedback. If there is anything I can do to support you please allow me to do so.
Jane now has almost six months abstinent and reports she is doing it daily.
Sincerely
Bryan












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Addiction and the Eight Fold Path

  ADDICTION AND THE   EIGHT FOLD PATH                                                               

                                                                                                                                                   PHOTO BY SOCK PUPPET
                                                                                           

Hi

     For those of us who study Buddhism one of the first things we come in contact with are the Four Noble Truths. The semantics change and meanings are slightly different but they boil down to life is suffering, we suffer because of our ignorance, thinking, view, suffering can be experienced without pain, and we do so by following the Eight Fold Path.

    I think we all have a different ''wording" to these ideas but the concept is basically the same. In talking to some people who are addressing their addiction and evolving towards remission I became aware that the way the Eight Fold Path is classically presented presents an opportunity for resistance and internal manipulation. As most of us in remission know addicts become master manipulators and continue if given the resistance to work with.

     To be in remission means to change most of everything the ego has held as true. The Four Noble Truths speak to this and the Eight Fold Path suggests a platform for the process.

• Right View
• Right Thought
• Right Speech
• Right Conduct
• Right Livelihood
• Right Effort
• Right Mindfulness
• Right Meditation

     As you can see this may cause some difficulty in accepting primarily brought on by the word Right. Yes I know. This has been addressed lots of times and the word "right" doesn't mean right in the sense of right and wrong. At least we believe the word "correct" or a similar word should be substituted. Personally it all still feels like, "Well, if you want to be good and correct do this." Which if you think about it is somewhat true but I really think of it in terms of evolving. So it's more like evolution will occur when following this path. Evolution in the sense of change not in the sense that evolution is good or bad. I mean if your evolving you are the one who decides what to do with it.

     So the primary problem has always been with the word "right.' So the way I have been addressing the issue is to use the word "aware." So if we choose one of the paths, let's say Effort what we have is Aware Effort. We are no longer evaluating the process of effort. We are now simply seeing effort in awareness. Different but the same concept.

• Aware View
• Aware Thought
• Aware Speech 
• Aware Conduct
• Aware Livelihood 
• Aware Effort
• Aware Mindfulness
• Aware Meditation 

     The interesting thing is that if we are aware of our effort we are usually feeling like we are evolving instead of struggling. Instead of acting as the agent of the act we are allowing the act to grow by itself. If we are aware of our thoughts we become partners with them instead of trying to resist them or manipulate them. By the act of resting in awareness my speech becomes aligned with my internal principles. In effect we are no longer resisting on any levels but allowing ourselves to evolve into a process that speaks to our hearts. 

     Of course as a side benefit this all reminds me that what I practice is awareness. Plain and simple. The more aware I am the closer to my heart I become. 

     My encouragement would be to see how all this feels to you within your own practice. 

     A few people have asked about the video in production and there have been a few technical problems that will soon be solved. Thank you!

     As always I welcome any comment or input. I love to hear new perspectives and thoughts. 

Bryan 

The Hourglass and Meditation.

Hi.

     We are in the middle of starting to do video blogs and honestly I can't imagine learning more stuff than I ever thought I wanted to learn. But it's also pretty cool and fun.

     In the meantime some friends asked me to explain the "Hourglass" I use in meditation and remission classes so here it goes.

     Take an hourglass and some imagination and, at least in my case, it becomes my entire universe of time and the moment. I use a three tiered hourglass I recieved as a present several years ago. Any hourglass provides the framework for the concept.

     The sand at the top represents the time we have. We don't know how much time is left and cannot actually foretell the amount. We all have a different amount of time. So it's pretty much an unknown to us all.

     The sand in the bottom chamber is the time "passed." We have some idea of how much this is but again it's not real important to the here and now and what we do next.

     Most of us spend way too much time in the future and past. Oddly enough both of those areas are pretty much unknowns and at best pretty foggy and vague. The past because we, or should I say I, rarely remember what happened with any real accuracy. Much of what we "remember" from the past is edited to a large degree. Just sit in when families are talking about past events. Everyone has a slightly different story about what happened. We are all different in the process of how and what we remember.

     So now we address the area I fell in love with. The middle area where the time and our lives meets. In the entire universe and space-time the narrow point is where we are in this second. Does time pass us rr do we pass through time? Or do we move at the same moment? No idea myself. But I like the questions.

     People who are in remission are very concerned about the present and past. They do the best they can to live with memories of what they have done and hopes about what can happen in the future. My focus is on right now. Here's why.

     If I don't like my past I know for a fact that I can build a new past. I can build it right now this second. What I do right now is my new past. I can build it anyway I want in this second.

     The same idea applies to my future. Right now is my future. What I do is connected to what I am going to do next. So staying right here is a vital thing in my life.

     The entire universe is only happening this second. Anything that's going to change is going to change right now. Any influence you have will happen right now. What I think is the past are my thoughts right now. What I think is the future is simply my thoughts right now. After this second life becomes a "memory.' But in truth that's only a human concept. The future and past and now are all one thing. The same hourglass and the same never ending now.

     It is a simple concept and like most simple concepts are first response is "I know that." And we may know that. Concepts are fun. Here is the real thing. Can we live like this? Can we live in the moment and thus build a new future and past? I really think it's a powerful way to live.

     All comments, thoughts, and suggestions are always welcome!

     We are working on the video and hopefully we can upload on YouTube soon!

Bryan

Zen and Addiction. Why Meditate?

                          ZEN AND ADDICTION                              

Hi.

        Having studied addiction from inside out, meaning being addicted, going into remission, and working with people who suffer from addictions. And. My long term history of studying Zen I decided that the link between Zen and what people call recovery needs some exploring.

        In general people do recover by themselves. I know that there will be some interior feedback from those of you who have recovered via "systems" but the truth is that you recover from the inside out despite having anyone else in your life who supports you. I would concur that we all need that external support and encouragement to sustain our lives. It's just that no one, absolutely no one, can recover for you.

        As a counselor I would sometimes be praised when people would manage to stop using heroin, for example, and blame me for their recovery. No way. I had nothing to do with it. The truth is that they were ready. Synchronicity occurs and I was there. It could have been me or anyone else. If you check this out over time you will find that the "recovered" person will realize sooner or later that everything around the recovery was a result of them making the decision and commitment.

        So people ask me why practice Zen meditation?

        Because it is about you and you. Your remission that is. And you probably haven't spent a whole lot of time with your mind. So now you ask why should I do that? I mean here I am in my "recovery" and doing fine. Why mess it up?

        Well. You don't have too. No one is saying that. But if you really want to commit yourself to "knowing" you then I would encourage you to meditate.

        We all have what the mental health people refer to as the "unconscious mind.' It really isn't unconscious at all. It's relatively noisy for those of us who sit with it. I prefer to think of it as sub-conscious. Lurking just under the surface. If you sit, with a little discipline, you will start to recognize the amount of information that the subconscious is constantly feeding you. It 'talks" all the time. It directs you down paths that you might not take if you were aware of it. It's influence is awesome. The reason is that we rarely pay any attention to it. We just follow along.

        A prime reason why lots of people give up "meditation" is because the sub mind will tell them it's useless, annoying, they can't "do it", or they will try at some later date when they are "ready." That later date rarely comes.

        When we start meditating the sub mind will want you to quit immediately. If not sooner. Why?
It's been running the show for such a long time it will fight for it's survival. Once you know it's there and what it's doing you will have a hard time letting it run the show and/or ignoring it.

        What's this have to do with addiction? Everything. It's the thinking part that over rode what we knew all those years. At a certain point the rational mind is highly aware that what ever addiction is present is not in our best interests. Yet we continue to use.

        It's time to shine a light on the sub mind. Time to let the genuine you come forward.

        You may notice that much of what makes up you original mind is non-verbal. This can come as a slight shock at first. Much of what people are aiming for in meditation, or at least Zen meditation, is the ability to live in the pre-verbal state.

        Living in this per verbal state will pretty much anchor you in the moment. And, will definitely help you to stay free of addiction status.

Still working on a video blog. Perhaps next week we can address more concerning addiction and the pre verbal state.

Any and all comments or perspectives are welcome. 

Be kind and keep going.

Bryan