Hi.
This probably won't be a popular view.
I hate noise.
People just make noise all the time.
It's like the birdhouse at a Zoo.
Endless noise about.
Politics
Sports
Weather
Who did what to who
Movies
Fucking TV
What "I" did today or yesterday.
Who killed who today.
It all fucking opinion.
Spending time in a cancer ward will change noise into meaning.
Spending time with HIV positive people will change noise into meaning.
Spending time in an animal rescue shelter will change noise into meaning.
Family
Love
Friends
Caring
Fear
Anger/Fear
We make so much noise.
If we are going to make noise.
Why not make it meaningful?
It's not real deep here on the planet earth.
Love, Bryan
Monday, May 20, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Bulimia, addiction, and relationship
Hi.
Its been few since I have blogged.
I have been on retreat. Although I do not consider myself a Zen Buddhist anymore I still benefit from meditation and awareness practice. So I continue to attend retreats and meditate at home.
When on retreat I usually end up eating vegetarian foods for several days. It's funny when you take a vow of silence, and there are no TVs, video's, books, phones, I pods, or magazines to distract you, food takes on a whole new meaning.
Three meals a day. Eaten in total silence. No eye contact or verbal contact.
So.
It is just you and whatever food you have in front of you.
It become more about your relationship with food than anything else.
And, at this retreat, I really became aware of this issue. I was alcoholic and opiate addicted in my life. Yes it was very difficult to break that hold on me, I had to make a decision to COMPLETELY discontinue the use of these substances. It took years.
But.
With food and my bulimia, I had to do this one thing that was different.
I NEEDED TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD.
I am not good at relationships with anything except animals.
So, here I am. Sitting looking at the rice and vegetables.
And all of a sudden realizing how beautiful they are. Just the color and smell. Like sitting across from your lover who you haven't really "seen" for months and realizing how beautiful they are to you.
Rice feels a certain way on your tongue. Try it.
I need to fall in love again with food.
When I was a child I loved to eat. I never worried about the idiotic things that culture and society has taught me.
Like thin is "good" and "positive" and, worst of all, the only way I can be "accepted" by others is to have a
a body that is "perfect."
I just ate, and ran, and played, and wasn't in a place that self hate dictated my next thought.
So now I really understand that food is spiritual.
And a lot like a spiritual seeker I am going to have to "build" a relationship with it.
I can do this, I am strong and have been through so much, I will do this.
Love, Bryan
Its been few since I have blogged.
I have been on retreat. Although I do not consider myself a Zen Buddhist anymore I still benefit from meditation and awareness practice. So I continue to attend retreats and meditate at home.
When on retreat I usually end up eating vegetarian foods for several days. It's funny when you take a vow of silence, and there are no TVs, video's, books, phones, I pods, or magazines to distract you, food takes on a whole new meaning.
Three meals a day. Eaten in total silence. No eye contact or verbal contact.
So.
It is just you and whatever food you have in front of you.
It become more about your relationship with food than anything else.
And, at this retreat, I really became aware of this issue. I was alcoholic and opiate addicted in my life. Yes it was very difficult to break that hold on me, I had to make a decision to COMPLETELY discontinue the use of these substances. It took years.
But.
With food and my bulimia, I had to do this one thing that was different.
I NEEDED TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD.
I am not good at relationships with anything except animals.
So, here I am. Sitting looking at the rice and vegetables.
And all of a sudden realizing how beautiful they are. Just the color and smell. Like sitting across from your lover who you haven't really "seen" for months and realizing how beautiful they are to you.
Rice feels a certain way on your tongue. Try it.
I need to fall in love again with food.
When I was a child I loved to eat. I never worried about the idiotic things that culture and society has taught me.
Like thin is "good" and "positive" and, worst of all, the only way I can be "accepted" by others is to have a
a body that is "perfect."
I just ate, and ran, and played, and wasn't in a place that self hate dictated my next thought.
So now I really understand that food is spiritual.
And a lot like a spiritual seeker I am going to have to "build" a relationship with it.
I can do this, I am strong and have been through so much, I will do this.
Love, Bryan
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Fear
Hi.
I wonder how much I really care.
About you.
Is it just a trade off?
Like if I care enough about you.
Then you will care about me?
I wonder how my life would be if I knew you just cared?
See.
I don't really "KNOW THAT."
My pain comes from wondering how much I care about you.
For no reason.
Nothing to gain.
I talk like I care.
I know I am supposed too.
I am scared to talk about this.
Because
All of a sudden.
I am not so sure.
About me.
And.
I have never been sure.
About you.
And I want to sign off Love Bryan
But is that true?
Or is it a trade off?
I wonder how much I really care.
About you.
Is it just a trade off?
Like if I care enough about you.
Then you will care about me?
I wonder how my life would be if I knew you just cared?
See.
I don't really "KNOW THAT."
My pain comes from wondering how much I care about you.
For no reason.
Nothing to gain.
I talk like I care.
I know I am supposed too.
I am scared to talk about this.
Because
All of a sudden.
I am not so sure.
About me.
And.
I have never been sure.
About you.
And I want to sign off Love Bryan
But is that true?
Or is it a trade off?
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I wonder
Hi,
I said goodbye yesterday to a friend who has decided that she can't stay here anymore.
She has MS and cancer.
Too much pain and suffering.
It was very sad.
Or.
Bittersweet.
This is hard to write about.
She has had the worst life of anyone I have ever known.
Stacked deck.
And yet.
She had so much love and caring.
I am bulimic.
I have choices.
But for what? go I?
So I am feeling alive today.
Thanks to her.
Died 6:53 this morning.
I will miss her.
Love
Bryan
I said goodbye yesterday to a friend who has decided that she can't stay here anymore.
She has MS and cancer.
Too much pain and suffering.
It was very sad.
Or.
Bittersweet.
This is hard to write about.
She has had the worst life of anyone I have ever known.
Stacked deck.
And yet.
She had so much love and caring.
I am bulimic.
I have choices.
But for what? go I?
So I am feeling alive today.
Thanks to her.
Died 6:53 this morning.
I will miss her.
Love
Bryan
Monday, April 29, 2013
Hi.
One day I was at a hospital with a friend who has stage four cancer. We were waiting on her appointment.
There was a woman sitting across from us.
She was beautiful.
I mean beautiful.
She was dying.
Soon.
Yet.
She made herself up.
Dressed really well.
Had a positive attitude.
She said that even though her cancer was not curable.
She would not give up.
She cared about herself.
I keep thinking about her.
Part two.
I don't have stage four cancer.
I can actually stop what's killing me.
Love, Bryan
One day I was at a hospital with a friend who has stage four cancer. We were waiting on her appointment.
There was a woman sitting across from us.
She was beautiful.
I mean beautiful.
She was dying.
Soon.
Yet.
She made herself up.
Dressed really well.
Had a positive attitude.
She said that even though her cancer was not curable.
She would not give up.
She cared about herself.
I keep thinking about her.
Part two.
I don't have stage four cancer.
I can actually stop what's killing me.
Love, Bryan
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)