Thinking about thinking. (Or not)

Hi.

   I am developing this blog as I go along. I want to thank anyone who is reading this blog, especially from the bulimic specific website. You are awesome.

   I am trying to stop thinking about not thinking so much. It eats up a lot of valuable time that could be spent not thinking.

  I think about not thinking a lot. In fact most of my Zen training was focused on thinking about not thinking. You know if you have done it. Sitting there, counting your breaths, and realizing that you are thinking about not thinking about counting your breath so you won't think about it. Koans and shit. Sold to people as a way of life, like not thinking is actually doing something. How could the absence of something create anything? Like, I could be better by removing something from my crucial being? Like the ability to think? None of it helped. Sitting there for hours just amplified how much noise there was in my head. Lots of thinking going on in there even when I thinking I was not thinking. (Those were the times I believed I was having an enlightened experience.) At least I thought so.

   I think.

   Thinking about not binging and purging is not (get this) the absence of binging and purging. It's mental masturbation about NOT DOING. Thinking about not doing heroin or cocaine or alcohol, or food, or watching TV, or not having sex with everything that moves will not get you anywhere. The rocket scientists what you to believe that "thinking about it" is the first step in doing it.

   Bullshit.

    WE ARE ALL SMART ENOUGH TO GET THE THINKING PART.

   Unless you're a hubcap. Or carpet pad.

   So how does thinking help?

   It doesn't, and if you have been trying to go in to remission it might explain why you are struggling. You are still "thinking about it" and not DOING IT. 

   Thinking about not thinking is not the absence of thinking.

   Part 2

DOING.

   Is not thinking. You will know when this happens because you won't know it. Cause you won't be thinking about it

   So you won't know.

   But, you will notice later when you realize that the, car is washed, the dishes done, the job complete, the homework done, the smile in the mirror, stuff  like that.

   And.

   A key.

   WE CANNOT THINK AND ACTUALLY DO AT THE SAME INSTANT, THINKING TAKES TOO LONG, DOING JUST IS IN THE MOMENT. (Gee, maybe all that Zen training was for a reason?)

Because, I cannot ask her before the blog is published I do want to thank JB one of my best friends for triggering all this. She helps me everyday stay sober. Thank you JB.

Love all of you, Bryan