Who I am, bulimia, addictions and seeking my true home.

Hey!

I think  and finally feel that I am really starting to glimpse how much society and culture has conditioned me about how I view myself. I am numb over it.

Now this is not a difficult concept to understand. It's pretty apparent on an intellectual level, the emotional understanding is killing me at this point. I am starting to sweat this out. I know that somewhere I have pure awareness in me. I glimpse this "observer" sometimes. Usually when I stop thinking for a few seconds.

It happened today. I am in Chicago and went down to the boardwalk. It was really raining earlier, just pounding down endlessly, the sky was flashing and thundering every 20 seconds or so. I found a dry spot and sat down near some pilings.

It was hot, baking hot, and the kind of humid that when you wave your hand the moisture in the air gives resistance. So I sat baking and wet and watching and thinking.

There were some huge "dragonfly's" zipping around like insane helicopters. These guys were about four inches long. Maybe 10 to 20 at a given time putting on quite the air show.

I had this thought " what would these remarkable and beautiful flying "things" be if I had no "name" for them.

Right then and there my brain melted.

And.

I just sat and cried and watched these entities exist. Then there was a pretty clear, almost spoken thought inside of my head that said " What are you without your names and labels?" And I sat and sat and sat looking at the curvature of the earth, without a name or label. Just there.

Then my brain re solidified and thinking started again. It was overwhelming, the meaningless chatter of my mind trying to convince me that it is the voice of reality.
It's not. I feel that now and always will. 

Labels, criticism, thinking about thinking, fear, anxiety, striving to feel something that I am not feeling,
hate, love, should, shouldn't, and it all keeps going on like water over a fall, trying to convince the construct of "me" that the thoughts are reality instead of vague pointers in multiple directions, confused and in constant conflict.

I am, but not the thoughts and yet "I" am those too. No separation, like wearing a mask, it's not me but me. Culture and society building on perpetual lies, not about who we are but who we are suppose to be. Billions of separate and yet whole realities. Being "taught" what's right and wrong, how we should look and feel, hundreds or  rules and  regulations that are all situational and purposely vague.

To cut through to clarity of being. The is of now. There never was anything wrong with me, or you. We just grew up in a very insane place where rules keep being injected and then changed.

We don't have to live like this anymore. It's a choice, a difficult one, but a choice non the less.

Addictions and bulimic behavior? How much of this is driven by trying with everything we can to be something we cannot be? Something that was "taught" to us, supposedly for our own good. Layers and layers of conditioned responses, thoughts, and feelings?

What if we are who we are when we stop being who we think we are suppose to be?

I love Chicago.

In loving kindness.
Bryan

Singing my song of life.

Hey

Singing a song of recovery/remission and life.

We are all singing the song of our lives.

But we are not alone.

Other people, the universe, random events, good, evil, and change all help sing our song.

Resisting the song that is currently playing doesn't work very well for me.

It causes  me a lot of pain and suffering.

And energy.

I want the things I don't want in my life to go away.

I want more if the things in my life I like.

That might work if I was the sole.

I am not.

And that's probably a good thing.

I am starting to know in my heart of hearts that I need to accept the parts of the song that currently rub me raw.

That doesn't mean to like them or not try to change them if I can.

Accepting what is: I can resist and suffer or live in accepting reality with clarity and truly live alive.

The song goes on until I die.

Composers of my song are numerous and most aren't even aware of me.

I get to choose what I believe in.

I choose this.

I am going to love the song, all the parts, all the instruments, and the time it takes to sing it.

I may not be the sole author of my life, but I am the SOUL author.

In loving kindness.

Bryan

Bulimia, Addictions, Seeing Clearly

Hey.

Seeing clearly and/or my fear of seeing clearly

I think and feel that bulimia keeps me from seeing clearly

And.

When I stop the behavior and the fog lifts

I am not always OK with I see.

Clarity of the past.
Clarity of the now.
Clarity to see future possibilities.

Clarity = some pain.

Clarity also =

Beauty in the everyday things, colors, feelings, thoughts, the last being really important to me, clarity of thought so I get to make good choices

Seeing clearly is my new goal in life.

I am starting to realize that seeing clearly is a Yin/Yang process.

I ride the waves between these two places.

Riding the waves between life and death, love and hate, up and down.

Clarity helps give the ride a perspective, it's not so emotional, more experiential.

Ups are not so up, Downs not so down.

Clarity has not come with thinking, it comes with actions.

The actions of remission burn the fog away.

Love, Bryan

30 second lover, recovery, and cancer

Hi.

I hate myself a lot.

Don't really know why.

But.

Today taught me something about me.

Stopped for gas.

And there was a female who stopped next to me to get gas too.

She was the proverbial blond.

Wearing this Short lime green dress that was light and airy.

She had studs in her lips.

And big sunglasses.

She went in to the store.

And went out before me.

I decided, as I do sometimes to take this social risk. ( After all I have had ECT )

And.

Went up to her, and letting her know that I wasn't hitting on her, told her she was a very attractive person.

I was backing up when she starting crying.

And said that was the second best thing she had heard today.

Suspected cancer.

That was negative.

She was shaking.

And.

Shook my hand and then gave me a hug.

Total stranger.

I told her to live a good life.

We don't get many first or second chances.

Or even one.

Since as crazy as I am I do visit graveyards.

And see.

Babies graves.

I am in love with my 30 second friend.

Love, Bryan

Cancer/Bulimia/Recovery and the Wall

Hi

Recently I had someone cut me out of their life.

Period.

No contact, no response, no explanation, no anything.

Just a fuck you, .period

It hurts and I admit I really hate them for that.

But.

I also realized how fake this all is.

And thank you Sharon.

So called caring about each other.

We don't really care do we?

I sat with a Mom who lost her three year old to cancer.

And listened to her talk on the phone.

It's over she said.

And

She has to get on with her life.

OK.

I will always love anyone I said "love" to.

And

I would be at your back if you needed me.

Be

Very careful with you words.

Don't lie OK?

We try to bridge the gap that cannot be bridged.

We call it love,

Don't ever lie to me about loving.

It may be the illusion that keeps me alive.

I am going to say this because I mean it..

Love, Bryan

Remission and Noise and Cancer and Addiction

Hi.

This probably won't be a popular view.

I hate noise.

People just make noise all the time.

It's like the birdhouse at a Zoo.

Endless noise about.

Politics

Sports

Weather

Who did what to who

Movies

Fucking TV

What "I" did today or yesterday.

Who killed who today.

It all fucking opinion.

Spending time in a cancer ward will change noise into meaning.

Spending time with HIV positive people will change noise into meaning.

Spending time in an animal rescue shelter will change noise into meaning.

Family

Love

Friends

Caring

Fear

Anger/Fear

We make so much noise.

If we are going to make noise.

Why not make it meaningful?

It's not real deep here on the planet earth.

Love, Bryan

Bulimia, addiction, and relationship

Hi.

Its been few since I have blogged.

I have been on retreat. Although I do not consider myself a Zen Buddhist anymore I still benefit from meditation and awareness practice. So I continue to attend retreats and meditate at home.

When on retreat I usually end up eating vegetarian foods for several days. It's funny when you take a vow of silence, and there are no TVs, video's, books, phones, I pods, or magazines to distract you, food takes on a whole new meaning.

Three meals a day. Eaten in total silence. No eye contact or verbal contact.

So.

It is just you and whatever food you have in front of you.

It become more about your relationship with food than anything else.

And, at this retreat, I really became aware of this issue. I was alcoholic and opiate addicted in my life. Yes it was very difficult to break that hold on me, I had to make a decision to COMPLETELY discontinue the use of these substances. It took years.

But.

With food and my bulimia, I had to do this one thing that was different.

I NEEDED TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD.

I am not good at relationships with anything except animals.

So, here I am. Sitting looking at the rice and vegetables.

And all of a sudden realizing how beautiful they are. Just the color and smell. Like sitting across from your lover who you haven't really "seen" for months and realizing how beautiful they are to you.

Rice feels a certain way on your tongue. Try it.

I need to fall in love again with food.

When I was a child I loved to eat. I never worried about the idiotic things that culture and society has taught me. 

Like thin is "good" and "positive" and, worst of all, the only way I can be "accepted" by others is to have a
a body that is "perfect."

I just ate, and ran, and played, and wasn't in a place that self hate dictated my next thought.   

So now I really understand that food is spiritual.

And a lot like a spiritual seeker I am going to have to "build" a relationship with it.

I can do this, I am strong and have been through so much, I will do this.

Love, Bryan