Hey.
Seeing clearly and/or my fear of seeing clearly
I think and feel that bulimia keeps me from seeing clearly
And.
When I stop the behavior and the fog lifts
I am not always OK with I see.
Clarity of the past.
Clarity of the now.
Clarity to see future possibilities.
Clarity = some pain.
Clarity also =
Beauty in the everyday things, colors, feelings, thoughts, the last being really important to me, clarity of thought so I get to make good choices
Seeing clearly is my new goal in life.
I am starting to realize that seeing clearly is a Yin/Yang process.
I ride the waves between these two places.
Riding the waves between life and death, love and hate, up and down.
Clarity helps give the ride a perspective, it's not so emotional, more experiential.
Ups are not so up, Downs not so down.
Clarity has not come with thinking, it comes with actions.
The actions of remission burn the fog away.
Love, Bryan
Friday, June 21, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
30 second lover, recovery, and cancer
Hi.
I hate myself a lot.
Don't really know why.
But.
Today taught me something about me.
Stopped for gas.
And there was a female who stopped next to me to get gas too.
She was the proverbial blond.
Wearing this Short lime green dress that was light and airy.
She had studs in her lips.
And big sunglasses.
She went in to the store.
And went out before me.
I decided, as I do sometimes to take this social risk. ( After all I have had ECT )
And.
Went up to her, and letting her know that I wasn't hitting on her, told her she was a very attractive person.
I was backing up when she starting crying.
And said that was the second best thing she had heard today.
Suspected cancer.
That was negative.
She was shaking.
And.
Shook my hand and then gave me a hug.
Total stranger.
I told her to live a good life.
We don't get many first or second chances.
Or even one.
Since as crazy as I am I do visit graveyards.
And see.
Babies graves.
I am in love with my 30 second friend.
Love, Bryan
I hate myself a lot.
Don't really know why.
But.
Today taught me something about me.
Stopped for gas.
And there was a female who stopped next to me to get gas too.
She was the proverbial blond.
Wearing this Short lime green dress that was light and airy.
She had studs in her lips.
And big sunglasses.
She went in to the store.
And went out before me.
I decided, as I do sometimes to take this social risk. ( After all I have had ECT )
And.
Went up to her, and letting her know that I wasn't hitting on her, told her she was a very attractive person.
I was backing up when she starting crying.
And said that was the second best thing she had heard today.
Suspected cancer.
That was negative.
She was shaking.
And.
Shook my hand and then gave me a hug.
Total stranger.
I told her to live a good life.
We don't get many first or second chances.
Or even one.
Since as crazy as I am I do visit graveyards.
And see.
Babies graves.
I am in love with my 30 second friend.
Love, Bryan
Friday, May 24, 2013
Cancer/Bulimia/Recovery and the Wall
Hi
Recently I had someone cut me out of their life.
Period.
No contact, no response, no explanation, no anything.
Just a fuck you, .period
It hurts and I admit I really hate them for that.
But.
I also realized how fake this all is.
And thank you Sharon.
So called caring about each other.
We don't really care do we?
I sat with a Mom who lost her three year old to cancer.
And listened to her talk on the phone.
It's over she said.
And
She has to get on with her life.
OK.
I will always love anyone I said "love" to.
And
I would be at your back if you needed me.
Be
Very careful with you words.
Don't lie OK?
We try to bridge the gap that cannot be bridged.
We call it love,
Don't ever lie to me about loving.
It may be the illusion that keeps me alive.
I am going to say this because I mean it..
Love, Bryan
Recently I had someone cut me out of their life.
Period.
No contact, no response, no explanation, no anything.
Just a fuck you, .period
It hurts and I admit I really hate them for that.
But.
I also realized how fake this all is.
And thank you Sharon.
So called caring about each other.
We don't really care do we?
I sat with a Mom who lost her three year old to cancer.
And listened to her talk on the phone.
It's over she said.
And
She has to get on with her life.
OK.
I will always love anyone I said "love" to.
And
I would be at your back if you needed me.
Be
Very careful with you words.
Don't lie OK?
We try to bridge the gap that cannot be bridged.
We call it love,
Don't ever lie to me about loving.
It may be the illusion that keeps me alive.
I am going to say this because I mean it..
Love, Bryan
Monday, May 20, 2013
Remission and Noise and Cancer and Addiction
Hi.
This probably won't be a popular view.
I hate noise.
People just make noise all the time.
It's like the birdhouse at a Zoo.
Endless noise about.
Politics
Sports
Weather
Who did what to who
Movies
Fucking TV
What "I" did today or yesterday.
Who killed who today.
It all fucking opinion.
Spending time in a cancer ward will change noise into meaning.
Spending time with HIV positive people will change noise into meaning.
Spending time in an animal rescue shelter will change noise into meaning.
Family
Love
Friends
Caring
Fear
Anger/Fear
We make so much noise.
If we are going to make noise.
Why not make it meaningful?
It's not real deep here on the planet earth.
Love, Bryan
This probably won't be a popular view.
I hate noise.
People just make noise all the time.
It's like the birdhouse at a Zoo.
Endless noise about.
Politics
Sports
Weather
Who did what to who
Movies
Fucking TV
What "I" did today or yesterday.
Who killed who today.
It all fucking opinion.
Spending time in a cancer ward will change noise into meaning.
Spending time with HIV positive people will change noise into meaning.
Spending time in an animal rescue shelter will change noise into meaning.
Family
Love
Friends
Caring
Fear
Anger/Fear
We make so much noise.
If we are going to make noise.
Why not make it meaningful?
It's not real deep here on the planet earth.
Love, Bryan
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Bulimia, addiction, and relationship
Hi.
Its been few since I have blogged.
I have been on retreat. Although I do not consider myself a Zen Buddhist anymore I still benefit from meditation and awareness practice. So I continue to attend retreats and meditate at home.
When on retreat I usually end up eating vegetarian foods for several days. It's funny when you take a vow of silence, and there are no TVs, video's, books, phones, I pods, or magazines to distract you, food takes on a whole new meaning.
Three meals a day. Eaten in total silence. No eye contact or verbal contact.
So.
It is just you and whatever food you have in front of you.
It become more about your relationship with food than anything else.
And, at this retreat, I really became aware of this issue. I was alcoholic and opiate addicted in my life. Yes it was very difficult to break that hold on me, I had to make a decision to COMPLETELY discontinue the use of these substances. It took years.
But.
With food and my bulimia, I had to do this one thing that was different.
I NEEDED TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD.
I am not good at relationships with anything except animals.
So, here I am. Sitting looking at the rice and vegetables.
And all of a sudden realizing how beautiful they are. Just the color and smell. Like sitting across from your lover who you haven't really "seen" for months and realizing how beautiful they are to you.
Rice feels a certain way on your tongue. Try it.
I need to fall in love again with food.
When I was a child I loved to eat. I never worried about the idiotic things that culture and society has taught me.
Like thin is "good" and "positive" and, worst of all, the only way I can be "accepted" by others is to have a
a body that is "perfect."
I just ate, and ran, and played, and wasn't in a place that self hate dictated my next thought.
So now I really understand that food is spiritual.
And a lot like a spiritual seeker I am going to have to "build" a relationship with it.
I can do this, I am strong and have been through so much, I will do this.
Love, Bryan
Its been few since I have blogged.
I have been on retreat. Although I do not consider myself a Zen Buddhist anymore I still benefit from meditation and awareness practice. So I continue to attend retreats and meditate at home.
When on retreat I usually end up eating vegetarian foods for several days. It's funny when you take a vow of silence, and there are no TVs, video's, books, phones, I pods, or magazines to distract you, food takes on a whole new meaning.
Three meals a day. Eaten in total silence. No eye contact or verbal contact.
So.
It is just you and whatever food you have in front of you.
It become more about your relationship with food than anything else.
And, at this retreat, I really became aware of this issue. I was alcoholic and opiate addicted in my life. Yes it was very difficult to break that hold on me, I had to make a decision to COMPLETELY discontinue the use of these substances. It took years.
But.
With food and my bulimia, I had to do this one thing that was different.
I NEEDED TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD.
I am not good at relationships with anything except animals.
So, here I am. Sitting looking at the rice and vegetables.
And all of a sudden realizing how beautiful they are. Just the color and smell. Like sitting across from your lover who you haven't really "seen" for months and realizing how beautiful they are to you.
Rice feels a certain way on your tongue. Try it.
I need to fall in love again with food.
When I was a child I loved to eat. I never worried about the idiotic things that culture and society has taught me.
Like thin is "good" and "positive" and, worst of all, the only way I can be "accepted" by others is to have a
a body that is "perfect."
I just ate, and ran, and played, and wasn't in a place that self hate dictated my next thought.
So now I really understand that food is spiritual.
And a lot like a spiritual seeker I am going to have to "build" a relationship with it.
I can do this, I am strong and have been through so much, I will do this.
Love, Bryan
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Fear
Hi.
I wonder how much I really care.
About you.
Is it just a trade off?
Like if I care enough about you.
Then you will care about me?
I wonder how my life would be if I knew you just cared?
See.
I don't really "KNOW THAT."
My pain comes from wondering how much I care about you.
For no reason.
Nothing to gain.
I talk like I care.
I know I am supposed too.
I am scared to talk about this.
Because
All of a sudden.
I am not so sure.
About me.
And.
I have never been sure.
About you.
And I want to sign off Love Bryan
But is that true?
Or is it a trade off?
I wonder how much I really care.
About you.
Is it just a trade off?
Like if I care enough about you.
Then you will care about me?
I wonder how my life would be if I knew you just cared?
See.
I don't really "KNOW THAT."
My pain comes from wondering how much I care about you.
For no reason.
Nothing to gain.
I talk like I care.
I know I am supposed too.
I am scared to talk about this.
Because
All of a sudden.
I am not so sure.
About me.
And.
I have never been sure.
About you.
And I want to sign off Love Bryan
But is that true?
Or is it a trade off?
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