Hi.
I don't much get it here.
Really I don't.
Here is where I live.
I am a cutter who doesn't cut.
I am an alcoholic who doesn't drink.
A junkie who doesn't use.
I am addicted to food.
Weird.
That part, like being addicted to air or water.
Addicted to people. (I won't admit that to anyone, please don't tell anyone I said that. )
People I know say one thing and do another.
Or.
Tell me the "Truth."
Depending on their chemical balances at the time of intercourse. ( See, its not always about sex.)
I am an alien.
I don't want to live here,
But, I don't want to die.
So
The only, one and only way out, is through it.
And.
The rest of you are here with me.
See, I am OK. I have you.
Aliens.
Family at the outer edge of what I suspect really "Is."
Talk to me,
Love, Bryan
Friday, April 12, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Remisson, Recovery, and Koans
Hi.
Koan and Koans. Mysterious challenges to the intellect that force us to be here and now. Usually the term is associated with Zen.
Koans are really a call to action. Do something. They encourage us to think our way into doing something. What's really crazy is that we can take years or decades thinking about something that points to not thinking. Just do.
Addicts? We think to much. Argue with that and you are already thinking too much.
About anything and everything.
I think that in the long run and without thinking about it to much.
That you and I are Koans.
Not some mystical crap with secret answers.
But.
Living Koans. We keep searching until we realize that we ourselves are the answer. We just love to think that we can think ourselves in to a remission status. And. When we are not busy with that, we are thinking about thinking ourselves in to a remission status. Or. We are thinking about not thinking. Yuck.
It seems odd to me that my belief system was that I could, think, concept, or idea, myself out of what is basically a doing. Bulimia is not thinking, it involves lots of action. ( I initially had the same idea about opiate and alcohol addiction.)
Now that might work if being Bulimic was a concept to begin with and I had some sort of philosophic basis for being a Bulimic. But Bulimia is not a philosophy, it's a response, an active doing response to my world.
Thinking is highly over rated.
See, we have to do remission.
DO = MOVEMENT
We can work on the Koan of remission. Think about remission, devise intellectual ways to be in remission, talk about remission, compare stories about it, but until we are actually doing something about it there will be no forward movement.
Koan: There is a man with a plate of food. He will die if he eats the food. He will die if he doesn't eat the food. What does he do?
Koan: There is a woman who is really depressed. She will die if she stays depressed. She will die if she isn't depressed. What does she do?
Koan: You have a thought. If you keep the thought you will never have another thought. If you let the thought go you will never have another thought. What?
Koan: You have one second to live. Now what?
Love, Bryan
Koan and Koans. Mysterious challenges to the intellect that force us to be here and now. Usually the term is associated with Zen.
Koans are really a call to action. Do something. They encourage us to think our way into doing something. What's really crazy is that we can take years or decades thinking about something that points to not thinking. Just do.
Addicts? We think to much. Argue with that and you are already thinking too much.
About anything and everything.
I think that in the long run and without thinking about it to much.
That you and I are Koans.
Not some mystical crap with secret answers.
But.
Living Koans. We keep searching until we realize that we ourselves are the answer. We just love to think that we can think ourselves in to a remission status. And. When we are not busy with that, we are thinking about thinking ourselves in to a remission status. Or. We are thinking about not thinking. Yuck.
It seems odd to me that my belief system was that I could, think, concept, or idea, myself out of what is basically a doing. Bulimia is not thinking, it involves lots of action. ( I initially had the same idea about opiate and alcohol addiction.)
Now that might work if being Bulimic was a concept to begin with and I had some sort of philosophic basis for being a Bulimic. But Bulimia is not a philosophy, it's a response, an active doing response to my world.
Thinking is highly over rated.
See, we have to do remission.
DO = MOVEMENT
We can work on the Koan of remission. Think about remission, devise intellectual ways to be in remission, talk about remission, compare stories about it, but until we are actually doing something about it there will be no forward movement.
Koan: There is a man with a plate of food. He will die if he eats the food. He will die if he doesn't eat the food. What does he do?
Koan: There is a woman who is really depressed. She will die if she stays depressed. She will die if she isn't depressed. What does she do?
Koan: You have a thought. If you keep the thought you will never have another thought. If you let the thought go you will never have another thought. What?
Koan: You have one second to live. Now what?
Love, Bryan
Monday, April 1, 2013
Addiction and approval
Hi,
We all seem to need it and in some ways crave it. Approval. Maybe it comes under the heading as our very first addiction.
And if you think I am wrong go look in the mirror and see how you feel. Probably at this point you are going to experience an immediate lack of "approval", via the self talk in you head. Go try it.
In a very real way approval is used as a training tool on us as children. If we did the "right thing" (meaning what society and/parents and peers deemed as correct reactions to a stimulus) we would be given our reward, APPROVAL.
It's the same way you train animals.
Now this might be OK to a certain extent. I mean up to a certain point it works and that point is making sure that small children are safe and secure. (Animals I am not so sure about.) Unfortunately it does create an early stage addiction to be approved of and therefore feel secure.
But it doesn't stop there does it? The addiction for approval is picked up by big business, universities, government, and anyone who can use the addiction to manipulate for profit.
And.
The more you are addicted to approval the more vulnerable you are to manipulation. The blog concerning the hole in the middle? The amount of focus on that hole and the way you feel about it has much to do with the amount of approval you need from your external world.
Anxiety and depression are both driven heavily by the need for approval. The perceived need and the lack of fulfillment of the need really drive most of the anxiety and depression that we experience.
ADDICTION IS PARTIALLY DRIVEN BY A NEED FOR APPROVAL AND THE NEED FOR APPROVAL IS AN ADDICTION. WHAT A LOOP.
Look at me! Look at me! We scream. And. If no one is looking and approving what happens? Well, we become anxious and depressed and try to find a solution. Then we might try harder to gain that approval. Spend more time at work, try harder to be thin, join the right organizations, have the right friends, let the kids do whatever they want, accept the insults, smile, be happy, listen to the right music, and the list goes on. All for approval.
THE THING WE ARE REALLY LOOKING FOR IS:
ACCEPTANCE.
What we really need is to be accepted. Being accepted means I don't need your artificial pressure to do what you think I need to do, or think, or say for a reward. It means that I need for you to respect me for what I think, or do, or say.
Society, cultures, governments, families, employers, and friends don't much like the concept of acceptance.
WHY? ACCEPTANCE FOSTERS INDEPENDENCE.
AND REMEMBER. APPROVAL ADDICTION IS A WAY OF LIFE ON THIS PLANET. VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE GOING TO RECOGNIZE THIS AND FEWER ARE GOING TO WANT TO CHANGE IT.
Here is one of the most important concepts we can learn.
IF YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE ACCEPTED, THEN ACCEPT YOU. THEN IT IS NOT GOING TO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE WANTS.
How do we know when we have our acceptance?
THE MIRROR, ON THE WALL OR IN YOUR MIND WILL REFLECT EITHER THE NEED FOR APPROVAL OR THE RELIEF OF ACCEPTANCE.
Go look in the mirror, what do you see and feel?
I would love to hear from you.
Love, Bryan
We all seem to need it and in some ways crave it. Approval. Maybe it comes under the heading as our very first addiction.
And if you think I am wrong go look in the mirror and see how you feel. Probably at this point you are going to experience an immediate lack of "approval", via the self talk in you head. Go try it.
In a very real way approval is used as a training tool on us as children. If we did the "right thing" (meaning what society and/parents and peers deemed as correct reactions to a stimulus) we would be given our reward, APPROVAL.
It's the same way you train animals.
Now this might be OK to a certain extent. I mean up to a certain point it works and that point is making sure that small children are safe and secure. (Animals I am not so sure about.) Unfortunately it does create an early stage addiction to be approved of and therefore feel secure.
But it doesn't stop there does it? The addiction for approval is picked up by big business, universities, government, and anyone who can use the addiction to manipulate for profit.
And.
The more you are addicted to approval the more vulnerable you are to manipulation. The blog concerning the hole in the middle? The amount of focus on that hole and the way you feel about it has much to do with the amount of approval you need from your external world.
Anxiety and depression are both driven heavily by the need for approval. The perceived need and the lack of fulfillment of the need really drive most of the anxiety and depression that we experience.
ADDICTION IS PARTIALLY DRIVEN BY A NEED FOR APPROVAL AND THE NEED FOR APPROVAL IS AN ADDICTION. WHAT A LOOP.
Look at me! Look at me! We scream. And. If no one is looking and approving what happens? Well, we become anxious and depressed and try to find a solution. Then we might try harder to gain that approval. Spend more time at work, try harder to be thin, join the right organizations, have the right friends, let the kids do whatever they want, accept the insults, smile, be happy, listen to the right music, and the list goes on. All for approval.
THE THING WE ARE REALLY LOOKING FOR IS:
ACCEPTANCE.
What we really need is to be accepted. Being accepted means I don't need your artificial pressure to do what you think I need to do, or think, or say for a reward. It means that I need for you to respect me for what I think, or do, or say.
Society, cultures, governments, families, employers, and friends don't much like the concept of acceptance.
WHY? ACCEPTANCE FOSTERS INDEPENDENCE.
AND REMEMBER. APPROVAL ADDICTION IS A WAY OF LIFE ON THIS PLANET. VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE GOING TO RECOGNIZE THIS AND FEWER ARE GOING TO WANT TO CHANGE IT.
Here is one of the most important concepts we can learn.
IF YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE ACCEPTED, THEN ACCEPT YOU. THEN IT IS NOT GOING TO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE WANTS.
How do we know when we have our acceptance?
THE MIRROR, ON THE WALL OR IN YOUR MIND WILL REFLECT EITHER THE NEED FOR APPROVAL OR THE RELIEF OF ACCEPTANCE.
Go look in the mirror, what do you see and feel?
I would love to hear from you.
Love, Bryan
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Remission a different look at addiction
Hi.
One of my clients asked me to clarify how I view addiction, recovery, and remission. She was asking for a review of how I see the relationship between recovery and remission.
RECOVERY is a word that is used a lot in the substance abuse field. I don't much care for it. Here is why.
1. It takes for granted that I have anything in the past that I want back. So basically it is saying that I can re- create the past in the here and now. I can't do that. Neither can you or anyone else. The past is over.
2. It refers to a steady state system. That somehow I will return to a place where I am OK. It seems to be saying that I have some sort of reset button where my "system" will be restored. I don't have a past "system" that was one that worked. I came from a sexually and emotionally abusive family, things were not OK. If I could "reset" I would end up addicted again.
3. The past is what brought me to my addiction. If I want to change my life I don't need to be looking at the past to create anything new. Most therapists will tell you how much time is spent trying to repair damage from the "past." How the hell is going back there going to help me now?? Most therapists who aren't in it for the money will tell you that the past, and the emotions that are triggered by the past, don't get "fixed."
4. I can never say I am "recovered' and "permanently fixed" unless it's on my tombstone. There is no permanent fix for addictions, get real, they can re-occur (why we use the word relapse) at any time. Systems that claim they can permanently "cure" people need to prove to me how they can justify saying that unless they tracked the "cured" person to their grave.
NONE OF THIS IS GOING TO MAKE ME POPULAR. IT GOES AGAINST ESTABLISHED NORMS.
I DON'T CARE.
I AM THINKING AND FEELING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
MY HEART SAYS SO, NOT MY MIND.
I BELIEVE IN REMISSION.
Here is why.
After working in the substance abuse field as a counselor I noticed that there was a great number of patients that I would see again and again. Some of them had gone in to "recovery" more than once. If "recovery" was a solid state system you would not enter it more than once. What is happening if you have to "recover" over and over??????
I had an opportunity to work with cancer patients and became familiar with the term "remission."
To "remission" (I see it is as verb) means to leave whatever mission you had (bulimia) behind. Re-structure your new direction or if you will your new mission in life. Re-your-mission-in life.
YOU HAVE TO START FROM WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. There will be little from the past that you will be able to use to create a new future.
Cancer patients know that in remission you have to stay aware of the FACT THAT IT COULD END and use new behavior to increase your odds that it won't end.
And.
YOU NEED TO CONTINUE TO BE AWARE OF THAT FACT. YOU NEVER FORGET THAT IT'S THERE. You have to be aware of the action of remission if you want to stay in remission. No guarantees but your odds increase. You find the tools that work to sustain your remission and stay with them.
If you are in remission you will stay "On point" and not forget that relapse can occur at any moment. If you think you are "cured' then you can get blind sided at any time.
I have so much respect for the Bulimia H website that helps my recovery. I know that they and some other site believe in being cured. I have some referrals if you are seeking that model. Contact me for Bulimia information.
I am asking you to take a close look at anyone who is offering a "cure" from addiction. If anyone had a "cure" they would be Gazillionaires by now. Be aware. Pay attention to your body/heart/mind.
I welcome your feedback, I need to hear what you think.
Love you all, Bryan
One of my clients asked me to clarify how I view addiction, recovery, and remission. She was asking for a review of how I see the relationship between recovery and remission.
RECOVERY is a word that is used a lot in the substance abuse field. I don't much care for it. Here is why.
1. It takes for granted that I have anything in the past that I want back. So basically it is saying that I can re- create the past in the here and now. I can't do that. Neither can you or anyone else. The past is over.
2. It refers to a steady state system. That somehow I will return to a place where I am OK. It seems to be saying that I have some sort of reset button where my "system" will be restored. I don't have a past "system" that was one that worked. I came from a sexually and emotionally abusive family, things were not OK. If I could "reset" I would end up addicted again.
3. The past is what brought me to my addiction. If I want to change my life I don't need to be looking at the past to create anything new. Most therapists will tell you how much time is spent trying to repair damage from the "past." How the hell is going back there going to help me now?? Most therapists who aren't in it for the money will tell you that the past, and the emotions that are triggered by the past, don't get "fixed."
4. I can never say I am "recovered' and "permanently fixed" unless it's on my tombstone. There is no permanent fix for addictions, get real, they can re-occur (why we use the word relapse) at any time. Systems that claim they can permanently "cure" people need to prove to me how they can justify saying that unless they tracked the "cured" person to their grave.
NONE OF THIS IS GOING TO MAKE ME POPULAR. IT GOES AGAINST ESTABLISHED NORMS.
I DON'T CARE.
I AM THINKING AND FEELING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
MY HEART SAYS SO, NOT MY MIND.
I BELIEVE IN REMISSION.
Here is why.
After working in the substance abuse field as a counselor I noticed that there was a great number of patients that I would see again and again. Some of them had gone in to "recovery" more than once. If "recovery" was a solid state system you would not enter it more than once. What is happening if you have to "recover" over and over??????
I had an opportunity to work with cancer patients and became familiar with the term "remission."
To "remission" (I see it is as verb) means to leave whatever mission you had (bulimia) behind. Re-structure your new direction or if you will your new mission in life. Re-your-mission-in life.
YOU HAVE TO START FROM WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. There will be little from the past that you will be able to use to create a new future.
Cancer patients know that in remission you have to stay aware of the FACT THAT IT COULD END and use new behavior to increase your odds that it won't end.
And.
YOU NEED TO CONTINUE TO BE AWARE OF THAT FACT. YOU NEVER FORGET THAT IT'S THERE. You have to be aware of the action of remission if you want to stay in remission. No guarantees but your odds increase. You find the tools that work to sustain your remission and stay with them.
If you are in remission you will stay "On point" and not forget that relapse can occur at any moment. If you think you are "cured' then you can get blind sided at any time.
I have so much respect for the Bulimia H website that helps my recovery. I know that they and some other site believe in being cured. I have some referrals if you are seeking that model. Contact me for Bulimia information.
I am asking you to take a close look at anyone who is offering a "cure" from addiction. If anyone had a "cure" they would be Gazillionaires by now. Be aware. Pay attention to your body/heart/mind.
I welcome your feedback, I need to hear what you think.
Love you all, Bryan
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Bulimia
Hi.
It's not my first addiction.
Alcohol, opiates, cocaine.
But, it has been the most difficult.
I got through the rest by quitting.
Can't do that with food,
It's like being addicted to air or water.
So.
I am asking you.
Leave you alone.
Quit giving yourself shit for battling this.
Know what?
You are reading this because you are already willing,
You are already what you are seeking.
You are reading this because you are done with it.
If you ever can understand anything then get this.
You are done with it.
I don't want your money.
I want your freedom.
Talk to me.
Love
Bryan
It's not my first addiction.
Alcohol, opiates, cocaine.
But, it has been the most difficult.
I got through the rest by quitting.
Can't do that with food,
It's like being addicted to air or water.
So.
I am asking you.
Leave you alone.
Quit giving yourself shit for battling this.
Know what?
You are reading this because you are already willing,
You are already what you are seeking.
You are reading this because you are done with it.
If you ever can understand anything then get this.
You are done with it.
I don't want your money.
I want your freedom.
Talk to me.
Love
Bryan
Monday, March 25, 2013
Thinking about thinking. (Or not)
Hi.
I am developing this blog as I go along. I want to thank anyone who is reading this blog, especially from the bulimic specific website. You are awesome.
I am trying to stop thinking about not thinking so much. It eats up a lot of valuable time that could be spent not thinking.
I think about not thinking a lot. In fact most of my Zen training was focused on thinking about not thinking. You know if you have done it. Sitting there, counting your breaths, and realizing that you are thinking about not thinking about counting your breath so you won't think about it. Koans and shit. Sold to people as a way of life, like not thinking is actually doing something. How could the absence of something create anything? Like, I could be better by removing something from my crucial being? Like the ability to think? None of it helped. Sitting there for hours just amplified how much noise there was in my head. Lots of thinking going on in there even when I thinking I was not thinking. (Those were the times I believed I was having an enlightened experience.) At least I thought so.
I think.
Thinking about not binging and purging is not (get this) the absence of binging and purging. It's mental masturbation about NOT DOING. Thinking about not doing heroin or cocaine or alcohol, or food, or watching TV, or not having sex with everything that moves will not get you anywhere. The rocket scientists what you to believe that "thinking about it" is the first step in doing it.
Bullshit.
WE ARE ALL SMART ENOUGH TO GET THE THINKING PART.
Unless you're a hubcap. Or carpet pad.
So how does thinking help?
It doesn't, and if you have been trying to go in to remission it might explain why you are struggling. You are still "thinking about it" and not DOING IT.
Thinking about not thinking is not the absence of thinking.
Part 2
DOING.
Is not thinking. You will know when this happens because you won't know it. Cause you won't be thinking about it
So you won't know.
But, you will notice later when you realize that the, car is washed, the dishes done, the job complete, the homework done, the smile in the mirror, stuff like that.
And.
A key.
WE CANNOT THINK AND ACTUALLY DO AT THE SAME INSTANT, THINKING TAKES TOO LONG, DOING JUST IS IN THE MOMENT. (Gee, maybe all that Zen training was for a reason?)
Because, I cannot ask her before the blog is published I do want to thank JB one of my best friends for triggering all this. She helps me everyday stay sober. Thank you JB.
Love all of you, Bryan
I am developing this blog as I go along. I want to thank anyone who is reading this blog, especially from the bulimic specific website. You are awesome.
I am trying to stop thinking about not thinking so much. It eats up a lot of valuable time that could be spent not thinking.
I think about not thinking a lot. In fact most of my Zen training was focused on thinking about not thinking. You know if you have done it. Sitting there, counting your breaths, and realizing that you are thinking about not thinking about counting your breath so you won't think about it. Koans and shit. Sold to people as a way of life, like not thinking is actually doing something. How could the absence of something create anything? Like, I could be better by removing something from my crucial being? Like the ability to think? None of it helped. Sitting there for hours just amplified how much noise there was in my head. Lots of thinking going on in there even when I thinking I was not thinking. (Those were the times I believed I was having an enlightened experience.) At least I thought so.
I think.
Thinking about not binging and purging is not (get this) the absence of binging and purging. It's mental masturbation about NOT DOING. Thinking about not doing heroin or cocaine or alcohol, or food, or watching TV, or not having sex with everything that moves will not get you anywhere. The rocket scientists what you to believe that "thinking about it" is the first step in doing it.
Bullshit.
WE ARE ALL SMART ENOUGH TO GET THE THINKING PART.
Unless you're a hubcap. Or carpet pad.
So how does thinking help?
It doesn't, and if you have been trying to go in to remission it might explain why you are struggling. You are still "thinking about it" and not DOING IT.
Thinking about not thinking is not the absence of thinking.
Part 2
DOING.
Is not thinking. You will know when this happens because you won't know it. Cause you won't be thinking about it
So you won't know.
But, you will notice later when you realize that the, car is washed, the dishes done, the job complete, the homework done, the smile in the mirror, stuff like that.
And.
A key.
WE CANNOT THINK AND ACTUALLY DO AT THE SAME INSTANT, THINKING TAKES TOO LONG, DOING JUST IS IN THE MOMENT. (Gee, maybe all that Zen training was for a reason?)
Because, I cannot ask her before the blog is published I do want to thank JB one of my best friends for triggering all this. She helps me everyday stay sober. Thank you JB.
Love all of you, Bryan
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Lonely or alone?
Hey.
I was just a kid. It was was a hot July afternoon where you could feel the heat driving into your head if you weren't wearing a hat. I was wearing a hat. A ball cap. Back when wearing a baseball cap meant you were playing baseball. Which I was. Little League. Complete with scratchy wool uniform. I remember I was sitting on the end of the bench, next to Boo who was our catcher. (No, I don't know why he was called Boo, but he was a great catcher.) The reason I remember this day was that I felt so lonely in the middle of game, sitting with my team, with a bunch of yelling fans. And. I was trying to figure out why I felt like I didn't fit in. I felt that bad in the middle of a game that I got lost in the feelings and trying to figure it out. I wasn't a good hitter. But, I was a good pitcher and played first base and the team was doing well. No one on the team seemed to dislike me but I never had a sense of "belonging." That was sad because one of the reasons I wanted to play sports was to belong and be part of something. I felt like crying.
Now this feeling of being alone has been with me most of my life. I just never felt part of anything. It has led me in a good direction. I like martial arts, reading, hiking, mountain climbing, I do well in studies, I do pretty well in any arena that doesn't involve a team. I like people. Have friends. Really enjoy working with groups. But. Still don't feel like a part of anything.
What triggered all of this was some conversation I was having with friends the other day. One person was saying how alone they felt and the depression they were feeling. I started thinking.
Alone or isolated. I like being alone, lots of times I isolate myself on purpose. It's why I like solitary activities or ones with just a few people involved. I am a cat.
I finally realized after all these years that what I was feeling was loneliness. Here is what I mean by that.
It is that innate sense of the bridge between you and I. It is the ability to discern that no matter what there is always going to be an invisible wall between you and I. And. No matter how much I love you, how we are bonded through blood and experience, we are all born as individual units. Now I think that some of us may feel that gap more than others. I really don't know. I do know that I am really aware of it.
I posted about the hole in the middle of us. This is the one on the outside. We all carry an invisible shield around us that no one ever quite gets through.
No one told me when I was a child that this was a reality of being human. I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. It's just one of those bittersweet truths that we humans need to carry with us.
It's a real feeling. WE ARE NEVER ALONE BUT WE CAN ALWAYS FEEL LONELY.
And.
I think it's a good thing for the most part. We feel so much because of it. We try so hard to communicate to fill the gap. We create, love, laugh, and cry to fill the gap. We might do other things like hate to fill the gap too. But all this makes us human.
You are never alone, I am here with you.
and
when we feel loneliness,
we can sit together,
shoulder to shoulder,
and know there is nothing wrong,
there never was.
Love, Bryan
I was just a kid. It was was a hot July afternoon where you could feel the heat driving into your head if you weren't wearing a hat. I was wearing a hat. A ball cap. Back when wearing a baseball cap meant you were playing baseball. Which I was. Little League. Complete with scratchy wool uniform. I remember I was sitting on the end of the bench, next to Boo who was our catcher. (No, I don't know why he was called Boo, but he was a great catcher.) The reason I remember this day was that I felt so lonely in the middle of game, sitting with my team, with a bunch of yelling fans. And. I was trying to figure out why I felt like I didn't fit in. I felt that bad in the middle of a game that I got lost in the feelings and trying to figure it out. I wasn't a good hitter. But, I was a good pitcher and played first base and the team was doing well. No one on the team seemed to dislike me but I never had a sense of "belonging." That was sad because one of the reasons I wanted to play sports was to belong and be part of something. I felt like crying.
Now this feeling of being alone has been with me most of my life. I just never felt part of anything. It has led me in a good direction. I like martial arts, reading, hiking, mountain climbing, I do well in studies, I do pretty well in any arena that doesn't involve a team. I like people. Have friends. Really enjoy working with groups. But. Still don't feel like a part of anything.
What triggered all of this was some conversation I was having with friends the other day. One person was saying how alone they felt and the depression they were feeling. I started thinking.
Alone or isolated. I like being alone, lots of times I isolate myself on purpose. It's why I like solitary activities or ones with just a few people involved. I am a cat.
I finally realized after all these years that what I was feeling was loneliness. Here is what I mean by that.
It is that innate sense of the bridge between you and I. It is the ability to discern that no matter what there is always going to be an invisible wall between you and I. And. No matter how much I love you, how we are bonded through blood and experience, we are all born as individual units. Now I think that some of us may feel that gap more than others. I really don't know. I do know that I am really aware of it.
I posted about the hole in the middle of us. This is the one on the outside. We all carry an invisible shield around us that no one ever quite gets through.
No one told me when I was a child that this was a reality of being human. I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. It's just one of those bittersweet truths that we humans need to carry with us.
It's a real feeling. WE ARE NEVER ALONE BUT WE CAN ALWAYS FEEL LONELY.
And.
I think it's a good thing for the most part. We feel so much because of it. We try so hard to communicate to fill the gap. We create, love, laugh, and cry to fill the gap. We might do other things like hate to fill the gap too. But all this makes us human.
You are never alone, I am here with you.
and
when we feel loneliness,
we can sit together,
shoulder to shoulder,
and know there is nothing wrong,
there never was.
Love, Bryan
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